Secret Santa, Secret Elf, ___ named Gift Exchanges

I have just received some news that still has me reeling in shock. I know I should have expected it and seen it coming. I know that I am not surprised because deep down inside I had already figured it out. I just wasn't being honest with myself.

Secret Santa, Secret Elf, ___ named Gift Exchanges

Over the years I have participated in this type of gift exchange. I have always done it with mixed feelings and lots of dread. It does tend to raise my anxiety level to an extreme high. To give you an example of what it's like for me... Picture if you will that your in a car traveling in horrible winter weather on some treacherous road. You feel your vehicle slipping and sliding and your hoping nothing is in the road a head of you. You know that there are curves that could have someone in your lane and you know to go off the road is not good either because of the steep embankment. Sure it's just a short stretch of this but your on edge. As you come around the worst part of the curvy road where there is a nothing to stop you if you go off except a very flimsy guard rail. One that you know other vehicles have punched through as though it where the flimsiest of tissue paper. Your anxiety is high enough that you think it can't possibly get any higher. It's at that moment that you realize just how wrong you are. Your vehicle has begun to slide towards the edge, for some reason you look up to see suddenly your not alone. A big rig is coming down towards you. It takes a minute for you to register that it's sliding sideways... What are you to do? Except await the moment of impact and quickly make peace with your life as it's been to that moment. Yes, this is but a tiny bit of what gift exchange anxiety is like for me.

While I always have mixed feelings during a gift exchange, I have NEVER felt hostile towards the person I would be giving the gift to. Even on those unexpected moments where the person I was selected to give a gift to is someone that I would consider an opponent. I have always done my best to give the person something. Why? Because I look to the heart of the gift exchange. I look as it being a time to put our differences aside and simply consider the other as nothing more than a person. OK, I admit that I may not shop for the "perfect" gift for them. But I do try to get them something that states to them that they aren't a total dung heap. And then I suffer even more from anxiety because I seriously hope that the person will see it for what it is. Something meant to say no I don't like you, I don't agree with you, but Hey, your still worthy of getting something.

When it's someone who I don't know very well or their taste in items listed is either out of my budget (ex. Rolex, vintage wine), experience (vintage wine, fine caviar (is there such a thing? j/k), type of music), or something that I realistically can't find (particular baseball card would also fit all 3 of these); I struggle. I might even fume a bit but I do try to find something that is equal. Ex. in the case of wine I have gotten wine charms, wine book (something to record wines in), a personalized wine glass. No it's not what they specifically wanted but it goes with what they specifically wanted. And Yes, I can be pretty lame when it comes to gifts which doesn't help my anxiety any. And if all else fails, I simply do a nice hand written letter and send money. lol

Now the anxiety should ease right because I did my side of this exchange. Nope, It won't ease until I know that the item has been received by the intended. And then it's only eased a little because I then anxiously await to see if they are polite about getting it. Yep, I've been ripped open for my poor choice in gifts. But I have also been graciously and warmly thanked too. Only then will this part of the anxiety go away.

The rest of the anxiety is on the waiting part. I wish I could say it's always the happy eager anxiety of anticipation but alas I can not. Because it's simply not that type. It's the cold and clammy slippery eel type of anxiety that constantly gnaws on your insides. It's filled with the dread of not knowing and the haunted memories of what has been.

See I have been frequently the butt of many jokes in my time. I have been deliberately and purposefully humiliated when it comes to gift exchanges. I have had the privilege to receive the remains of a half eaten Tuna Fish sandwich that was hastily retrieved from a lunch box, a half used pencil, a box of broken crayons, a tissue, and a rock. Simply because the teacher insisted I be given something. I have been given items that where deliberately given to cause others to get a good laugh at me. Those I will say took a lot of thought because of their unique nature. I won't share here because one I don't want to give ideas to another, two i don't want to relive out loud so to speak the event, and three in case one who was part of such shenanigans is reading this they won't be shamed by their youthful stupidity.

And just to be completely honest, I have also been disqualified from receiving a gift simply because of one or all of the following factors: my disability/special needs, my pedigree/bloodlines, and as pure sadistic enjoyment by the one who's suppose to give me a gift. Although maybe they aren't disqualifying me but instead giving me the gift of humiliation? hmmm....

While the above may seem horrible to comprehend and the question of how could anyone do that to another comes to mind, I must say that those where better gifts than to be completely forgotten. Yes, it's taken me time and numerous conversations from many wise people for me to see how they where better; but I do. I think the absolute worse thing to do is snub someone by NOT getting them anything.

How is this the worst thing? Well it leaves an active fertile imagination wide open to endless possibilities to contemplate. The post office, Fed Ex, DHL, UPS, ____ (insert name of delivery service) are absolutely worthless because they lost my package or they allowed someone to steal it. But I am sure it will turn up soon. Well____ probably didn't have the money to do anything for me or Well ___ probably just didn't get it done. But I am sure they will send it soon.

Then there are the various interpretations of the silence. Those phantom thoughts that come through in the quiet moments to nag on ones mind, planting seeds of doubt and humiliation. What have you done now? Look you must have done something wrong or you'd of gotten a gift. See your worthless because everyone else got something but you. The person who got your name dislikes you. Your stupid to think that you matter to anyone. Your soooo dumb because you think it's different now? Well honey child wake up and smell the coffee your nothing and you don't deserve to get anything. If you don't believe me, then how come your ___ gift hasn't arrived.

I will say that the gift of silence can be made a bit more manageable when distance is involved. Mainly because then you can use the first line as a rational to ease the bitter sting of receiving nothing. And the giver can be blatantly oblivious to the pain caused by your actions to the receiver. When its in person it's a little harder to ignore and maybe if your lucky your conscious should you have one will get a little pin prick sensation that will make you think about what you did. Or maybe not.

Now how does this rambling tangent apply to the beginning? I was left out as was another person from three exchanges. I was left out because the person who got my name disagrees with me and because I have chosen to not cave into peer pressure. Another is simply because I am doing all the wrong things and refuse to change my ways and listen to their advice. I guess you can say that I earned being left out in the cold. The other person was also excluded in the exchanges. Her crime? Because she has been someone who's remained my comrade through thick and thin. And while this turn of events with these three exchanges hurt me. It's nothing compared to what One person did.

Remember how I shared what I do for people that I might consider an opponent? Well I did get the name of someone who is my opponent. I did get them something that they actually requested in the list of items they'd like. I went a bit over my budget for their item. Simply because I wanted to bless this person with something nicer than they might expect especially from me. Well, this person returned the gift to me in a very disgusting fashion.

All have been called for not following through with their part of the exchange. All have defended their actions, choices, and reasoning as being justifiable and valid. NONE have looked the other way. All have admitted that they would be upset and hurt if the same had happened to them but because it's "Just Me" well that should still be ok. I'm not here trying to bring shame down upon them. I'm not here trying to say "Woe is me" or show that I am a victim.

I am sharing this simply to get a wake up call of sorts out there. Whether embarrassment over money issues, disgust for the person who's name you received, life happened and you forgot, etc. etc. etc. Don't simply do nothing at all.

Talk to the head of the exchange and ask to switch names, withdraw from the exchange, give a heads up if something happens and you can't follow through... Do Something. Even a note or post can make a huge difference. I know that I have appreciated being told I'm sorry I can't get you anything now. Yes, it's embarrassing and humbling and humiliating... but there's nothing wrong with simple honesty. You might find that your thought better of for it.

Please, don't use it as another way to make the party suffer through being left out, humiliation or rejection to get your kicks or make some point. More often than not it won't be understood by the recipient.

Some might say follow the Golden rule or ask your self "WWJD" or walk a mile in the moccasins of the person your doing it to. Simply take a moment and ask yourself would this hurt you if what you are planning to do was done to you? Could you handle this?

Most gift exchanges are done at time when people are down in the dumps or more prone to depression. I know for myself that December is a tough month. It's tough because of the weather and early darkness. It's tough because of the loss of loved ones. It's tough because of the concern over empty stockings for those who are still here. It's tough because difference can really stand out and hate can come out shine through in unlikely places. It's tough because ____. I think you get the picture. Do you really want to be the cause of someone's ultimate hurt? One that leads to make a bad decision?

I know I don't so that's why I have always tried to do the right thing of something instead of nothing. And yes, I have not fallen through in an exchange. I did make the tough call by alerting the person ahead of time. I have asked to switch names especially if doing so would make the receiver a happier person. ( I should have done it with the above. It's my fault that I didn't think of it.)

If you have made it through to this point. I thank you and now if you'll excuse me, I have a funeral to get ready for.