Nah you don't really want to know about it. Oh the things I could tell you about what it was like for me growing up. All of it would be true but none of it would be believable. So I'd probably pick and choose the parts I'd share or I'd have to ask you for further clarification as to what you might want to know.
Do you want to know about the Happy and Safe part of my childhood? the part that while it wasn't easy what I experienced it was good, safe, happy and kept me going through the rest of my not so good happy etc parts of my childhood. Or do you want to know what it was like living with my mother? And there again I would have to either edit it or ask for clarification because my time with my mother was very rarely G rated. Some of it was at least PG-13, R, even XXX rated. Or do you want to know about the others who raised me? Some had direct roles in caring for me they were the babysitters, some had indirect roles they were the people who probably didn't realize how big a role they had, some were a little bit babysitter a whole lot of indirect they were maybe more like angels they moved in mysterious ways, some where not really strangers but not anything else they were regular but nothing much they were the ones we would visit with. I'd be left with for short periods of time to wait until they returned from their extra long bathroom breaks. there were girlfriends of family, school mates parents, and then there are the scary people. Oh there were relatives through blood or marriages or treaties and deals. And what relatives should I share about just the good ones like my Gram or just those who were mediocre or those who hated me or were jealous.And each of these sections could be broken into different boxes. And when all of these failed there was the box or the room or the closet.... those were the worst. Because then it was total isolation and limited air, food, water. Or do I share just about the stuff I did to survive my childhood? that's a book in and of itself as I had mad skills as someone once said many not very useful now but back in the day oh they were.
Oh I will tell you I just have to think how far back to go and just how much to share where to start and how to keep it all straight to you. So don't rush me...
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Meditation
Do you meditate? Occasionally I do.
How? I always try to create a special space for my meditation by using scent, sound, temperature. Scent is either done using incense, candles, wax tarts, room/linen spray, perfume, or something that just feels right to me and smells really good. Sound is I usually do a few notes from my Tibetan bells to clear the space and signal to others (my children) that I'm not to be disturbed. Then I continue it with either a tape or CD of something singing bowls, flute, chanting, certain music compositions that work for me. It's not blaring but loud enough to add as a reminder that I am not to be disturbed. I also use the background noise of the music as a timer of sorts. I've listened to some of the pieces so often that when I hear certain parts I know that I need to wrap up soon or that I need to try a different position because I've barely begun. Temperature is something that I am sensitive to. I don't know if it's because I have Sensory Integration Dysfunction, the fibro or the muscular dystrophy type thing or a combo of all three but too hot or too cold can really distract me from being able to meditate. I try to have something that is soft, the right weight not too light or heavy, either warm to hot. I place something on one side for if I'm too cold and something on the other side if I am too hot. Both are at a desirable weight for me to feel grounded. As sometimes I'm neither hot nor cold and just need extra help being grounded or centered. Having a side I place what on consistently is done so I can grab x or y if I feel too cold, too flighty, etc. It's more of a comfort thing knowing I don't have to break out of my quiet time to go get something because I'm having a temp issue. It's just a little to the left or right.
I lay on my bed usually as that's the most comfortable spot inside for me. A lot of times I get my session in just before bed so it's handy to just do it there and then slip off to sleep. Sometimes especially on particularly gorgeous days I go outside and find a place to sit or lay. About the only time I sit and do it in the traditional method is when I am in class. Sometimes as part of my taiji, qigong, or other classes there are meditation moments. I can still get down to the floor and I can still cross my legs it's not easy for me. It's even more difficult now that I have this dang Avulsion fracture.
Does it help you to deal with things? yes and no It can help me with certain issues like getting relaxed in order to drop my bp or to relax enough to get through some medical procedures while awaiting the good drugs to kick in. I have a lot of anxiety and phobic responses to certain medical and dental procedures. I never realized just how claustrophobic I can be until I had to have a MRI. Meds work wonders for that, meditation works to get the meds to work. I have never had a real aha moment of clarity at least not at the time of meditation. I often have too much monkey mind for it to happen then.
Do you do it for clarification on tough issues? It totally depends on the issue. I sometimes do. This is usually when the monkey mind happens. So instead of meditating I journal and then meditate on the writing it's how I get around the dang monkey.
I have different meditations that I do and at different times/periods/reasons. I have some to do that are specific for my upbringing that I used when I need to work through fears, emotions, issues from that time in my life. I have some that I do for specific reasons such as to fall asleep or to work on a particular change I need to happen. I know I that the one to break a habit was highly effective in assisting me to quit drinking soda pop much to the amusement of others.
I find I tend to do a little bit better with chanting either a mantra or something my God-mother taught me or something some of the other powerful women in my life taught me. When I do this it's goodbye monkey.
How? I always try to create a special space for my meditation by using scent, sound, temperature. Scent is either done using incense, candles, wax tarts, room/linen spray, perfume, or something that just feels right to me and smells really good. Sound is I usually do a few notes from my Tibetan bells to clear the space and signal to others (my children) that I'm not to be disturbed. Then I continue it with either a tape or CD of something singing bowls, flute, chanting, certain music compositions that work for me. It's not blaring but loud enough to add as a reminder that I am not to be disturbed. I also use the background noise of the music as a timer of sorts. I've listened to some of the pieces so often that when I hear certain parts I know that I need to wrap up soon or that I need to try a different position because I've barely begun. Temperature is something that I am sensitive to. I don't know if it's because I have Sensory Integration Dysfunction, the fibro or the muscular dystrophy type thing or a combo of all three but too hot or too cold can really distract me from being able to meditate. I try to have something that is soft, the right weight not too light or heavy, either warm to hot. I place something on one side for if I'm too cold and something on the other side if I am too hot. Both are at a desirable weight for me to feel grounded. As sometimes I'm neither hot nor cold and just need extra help being grounded or centered. Having a side I place what on consistently is done so I can grab x or y if I feel too cold, too flighty, etc. It's more of a comfort thing knowing I don't have to break out of my quiet time to go get something because I'm having a temp issue. It's just a little to the left or right.
I lay on my bed usually as that's the most comfortable spot inside for me. A lot of times I get my session in just before bed so it's handy to just do it there and then slip off to sleep. Sometimes especially on particularly gorgeous days I go outside and find a place to sit or lay. About the only time I sit and do it in the traditional method is when I am in class. Sometimes as part of my taiji, qigong, or other classes there are meditation moments. I can still get down to the floor and I can still cross my legs it's not easy for me. It's even more difficult now that I have this dang Avulsion fracture.
Does it help you to deal with things? yes and no It can help me with certain issues like getting relaxed in order to drop my bp or to relax enough to get through some medical procedures while awaiting the good drugs to kick in. I have a lot of anxiety and phobic responses to certain medical and dental procedures. I never realized just how claustrophobic I can be until I had to have a MRI. Meds work wonders for that, meditation works to get the meds to work. I have never had a real aha moment of clarity at least not at the time of meditation. I often have too much monkey mind for it to happen then.
Do you do it for clarification on tough issues? It totally depends on the issue. I sometimes do. This is usually when the monkey mind happens. So instead of meditating I journal and then meditate on the writing it's how I get around the dang monkey.
I have different meditations that I do and at different times/periods/reasons. I have some to do that are specific for my upbringing that I used when I need to work through fears, emotions, issues from that time in my life. I have some that I do for specific reasons such as to fall asleep or to work on a particular change I need to happen. I know I that the one to break a habit was highly effective in assisting me to quit drinking soda pop much to the amusement of others.
I find I tend to do a little bit better with chanting either a mantra or something my God-mother taught me or something some of the other powerful women in my life taught me. When I do this it's goodbye monkey.
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