Bill of Rights for Children with Disabilities
Help Me to Focus!
Please teach me through sense of touch I need hands on and body movement
I need to know what comes Next!
Please give me a structured environment where there is dependable routine.
Give me an advance warning if there will be a change
Wait for me I am still Thinking!
Please allow me to go at my own pace. If I am rushed I get confused and upset
I’m stuck, I can’t do it!
Please offer me options for problem solving. If the road is blocked, I need to know the detours.
Is it right? I need to know now!
Please offer me rich immediate feedback on how I am doing.
I didn’t know I wasn’t in my seat!
Please remind me to stop look and act.
Am I almost Done?
Please give me short work periods with short-term goals.
What?
Please don’t say " I already told you that". Tell me again, in different words.Give me a signal. Draw me a symbol.
I know it’s all Wrong, Isn’t it?
Please give me praise for partial success.Reward me for self-improvement, not just for perfection
But why do I always get yelled at?
Please catch me doing something right and praise me for the specific behavior. Remind me and yourself about my good points when I am having a bad day.
Author Unknown
Monday, June 8, 2009
To Pam...
Pam you mentioned that the voices and isolation are hard on you. I can only relate to very little of it. I am afraid that the decisions you made to get yourself through the time on parole haunts you. I think that your trying to spend time with your family while you still can because of a very basic instinct to spend more time with our loved ones because life is short. I don’t think this is a conscious thing. I think it’s a basic survival type instinct that we all have. After the deaths in my life I sought out the people who were family or something. I sought to be close with those who were not the best in my life.
My mom in particular was one who I wanted to spend more time with because life is too short. I tried to rescue as many of them as I could. I held my other family members & friend prisoner around me cause I wanted to spend as much time with them before they died as I could. That’s not a good thing and it’s too late for me to make amends for it with them.
I fear that this might be happening to you and I don’t want to see you hurt. You’re a strong person and you have done well in helping those around you. But now you need to be strong for yourself. You need to do what’s best for you and you can over come the voices you can over come the isolation. Just take baby steps one at a time.
A PROMISE...TO MYSELF
I promise, from this day forward:
To accept myself...unconditionally
To love myself and cherish my existence
To always show myself respect
To not demand perfection
To stop putting myself down
To give myself the credit I deserve
To be my own best friend, someone I can depend on
To open my eyes to the beautiful promise in me
To utilize my God-given talent to build inner security
and to make a positive contribution to the world
Because
Only if I love myself, can I truly love others
Only if I respect myself, can I respect others
Only if I'm open to the special ness in me, can
I genuinely appreciate the uniqueness in others
Only if I cherish my own existence, can I become
The person I was meant to be!
By: Jan Baller
My mom in particular was one who I wanted to spend more time with because life is too short. I tried to rescue as many of them as I could. I held my other family members & friend prisoner around me cause I wanted to spend as much time with them before they died as I could. That’s not a good thing and it’s too late for me to make amends for it with them.
I fear that this might be happening to you and I don’t want to see you hurt. You’re a strong person and you have done well in helping those around you. But now you need to be strong for yourself. You need to do what’s best for you and you can over come the voices you can over come the isolation. Just take baby steps one at a time.
A PROMISE...TO MYSELF
I promise, from this day forward:
To accept myself...unconditionally
To love myself and cherish my existence
To always show myself respect
To not demand perfection
To stop putting myself down
To give myself the credit I deserve
To be my own best friend, someone I can depend on
To open my eyes to the beautiful promise in me
To utilize my God-given talent to build inner security
and to make a positive contribution to the world
Because
Only if I love myself, can I truly love others
Only if I respect myself, can I respect others
Only if I'm open to the special ness in me, can
I genuinely appreciate the uniqueness in others
Only if I cherish my own existence, can I become
The person I was meant to be!
By: Jan Baller
L's HS 2nd year
September 11, 2003
Head Start Meeting Home Visit with Sue & Lynn. Show them & explain about L’s Sensory Integration Issues using the rubber bands to get him to write and how important that is to be used with him every time. Reassured that Sue & Lynn would do it with him. How he is more sensitive than other kids. How things bother him, How potty training is going & the family history. How he struggles to communicate, gets angry & then quits even trying. About how he is looking forward to Mr. Jake & Flo. Find out that neither will be around L. September 15, 2003 L Starts Head Start. L happy to have his buddies. Sad not to have Mr. Jake. Open House--speak about bus schedule & what can be done because of K’s schedule & the bus times. Work out arrangements on bus. Logan comes home walking funny. There are rocks in his shoes. 5 times this occurs.
October
L afraid to go to the bathroom. Potty training attempts stop. Accidents occur. Getting restless in his sleep. Still struggle with the time the bus is going to show up. L is starting Nightmares & fears going to school. Doesn’t want to get on bus in the morning. Doesn’t want to go to school. Gets very tearful & upset when school is mentioned. Starts hiding his shoes, coat, backpack in order to not go to school. Suspect that Sue isn’t using rubber bands but reassured that she is doing what we spoke to her about last month with L. L comes home with very sore feet. There are rocks in his shoes. Sue agrees to help L with getting the rocks out of his shoes. Rocks in shoes 8 times this month. L comes home with a sore bottom. BM is dried on a long soak in the tub helps to clean him up. He cries when he walks. The bus people say that he didn’t do it on the bus ride home & as dry as it was we have to agree. L comes home in too small of pullups numerous times. Makes us wonder if we aren’t sending enough in his bag. Check his bag & find that there are lots there. L has had his clothes sent home in a bag do to accidents. He is upset & fears his clothes will go to the garbage. He voices that he is afraid of getting in trouble if he goes to bathroom. Sue reassures us that it’s not happening. Carol mentions her concerns about L’s speech. Nikki calls with concerns about Logan. She voices Deb M observations that L has problems. Confide to Nikki that L is losing his Medicaid as of October 31 because of K., the Frustration of him being sick with a sinus infection, possible needing surgery, concern about the cat scan & seeing a new doctor do to Medicaid & the allergies, concern about how Deb M treated us in the past & how L didn’t do real well under her care & with the aide and how he improved greatly when Mr. Jake took over and Deb & aide left him alone, not enough money for everything he needs, waiting to get answers & fear of repeating K’s medical nightmare of miss or lack of diagnosis's until to late. What can the ranch do? Talk to Ken about seeing L. Getting Jeff O on board. Dr. Y about helping K with L & what to do to help L with K.
November
Dr. P mentions L has an abnormal cat scan refuses to treat him until after he is seen by neurologist. Says that the headaches would be sinus related if L was older & upper sinus developed more. But that it’s not sinus it’s something more & that we are missing major pieces of the puzzle & until those are put in place he can’t treat L. Get call from Ranch that Deb M tells them L has Medicaid when in fact that he doesn’t explain situation we are facing & agree to call them back if L regains his Medicaid. L can barely walk in from the bus ride home. The bus people are concerned about L’s change in behavior. Once inside we discover that L has rocks in his shoes & a very sore bottom from dried out caked on bm. A call to Sue reveals that the person helping L with the bathroom hasn’t been using the supplies in his bag. Mention again L’s fear of using the bathroom at school and are told that there isn’t such a thing. L’s snow boots aren’t sent home either. Go to school to get snow boots & drop off Vaseline. L cuts his Left Index Finger with a potato peeler while cooking with his father. Goes to ER. ER person says that she is concerned about L’s speech & that he needs speech therapy, concerned about L’s reaction to being there. In some ways it’s better & in other ways it’s not so good. Thinks he should be checked out by his pediatrician & agrees that neurological eval wouldn’t be bad either along with a Good Speech Program was floored when heard he was in speech therapy already. Carol again mentions her concerns about L’s speech issues. She wants to know how often he goes.
Still struggle with the time the bus is going to show up. L’s Nightmares & fears going to school are getting worse. He is afraid to use the bathroom & that is getting worse too. He is afraid of getting in trouble but Sue doesn’t want to hear it nor does she seem willing to work on the problem. Doesn’t want to get on bus in the morning. Doesn’t want to go to school. Gets very tearful & upset when school is mentioned. Keeps hiding his shoes, coat, backpack in order to not go to school.
L regains his medicaid. Call to ranch to get started if they can & are willing to help. Dr. Fritz finds no reason for L’s issues with Asthma & Sinus as he doesn’t have allergies nor immune issues. Is greatly surprised about L’s severe sinus infection. prescribes him to take Zyertec, Rhinoauqua , and Augmentin ES. He says that L should see ENT. We tell him about P and he tells us that If P sees it then it’s there as P is the best in reading cat scans, that he’s better than the techs who are suppose to be good at reading them because he doesn‘t look at the cat scan for 1 thing but for many things. His demeanor changes & agrees that we are missing a big piece of the puzzle in order to treat L.
Dana is also seeing issues with Logan. Based on what she hears & sees she tells us about Dr. Cook. Start the ball rolling to get into Dr. Cook. L’s sinus infection gets no better. L freaks out on Dana to the point that she is major concerned & wants answers. She wants to know about his school time as he goes from Head Start to her office on Mondays. On the day that L didn’t go to Head Start but went to her office instead there was no problems this is consistent. Try to talk to Sue regarding issues with L & don’t get the answers that are needed. Can’t speak directly with the people who can answer the questions. Major issue with getting direct info. Sue can’t tell us anything nor can she get the others to the phone or to write so we can get Dana’s questions answered. Laura N gets on the case of L. She resembles his Grandma. L is excited and asks about Grandma coming back. He’s confused that she isn’t grandma. Grandma has been dead for a little over a year. Meeting with Sue where Laura comes with us. There are concerns but we are told that there are others in the classroom who are much worse & more need of help. When questions regarding L are brought up Sue runs out to get the people to answer them. She can’t answer for them. Leaves a bad impression that she’s not the one we should be dealing with which is par for Head Start & our experiences with them in 4 years. Sue admits to not doing the writing & rubber bands like she promised in Sept. & said in Oct. she was doing. She places it on Audrey. Audrey didn’t know about it as it wasn’t in his IEP. Sue said it didn’t need to be in IEP as it was a little thing that could be done in the classroom at home visit. Sue can’t give a time frame nor any answers about L’s speech she runs & gets Amy. Amy defends her position in the work with L. But none of the questions get asked or voiced do to the hostile environment. More people are pulled into the meeting about L. No one deals with the questions. Laura sees what is making me frustrated with the meeting I hope. Nikki is the only honest person there she keeps her mouth shut. Leave meeting feeling worse about L. He then major flips out on Dana at the visit. Nothing is said about Head Start. Nothing is said to upset him. We go in happy mode to Dana’s & he goes berserk. Leaving Dana frustrated. Later we find out that L wasn’t able to eat Lunch at Head Start but we can’t find out why. Again it takes 6 trips by Sue to and from the phone to get the info. L’s nightmares about school are getting worse. He fears a giant name Aybeyoyo. Thanksgiving break L’s nightmares go away. He is really ill. Am told by the bus people that L is starting to act up for them on going into the school. Am asked what it is about Head Start that he is acting up for them. He flips out on bus so bad that Howard forgot to give the pictures to us. He and the driver are shook by L’s sudden change and concerned. I fear another incident like K when asked if they will document.
December
Still struggling with the time the bus is coming. L is still hiding his items he needs so he won’t have to go to school. L is giving driver and aide a challenge. They inquire if we have gotten to the bottom of his problem with school. They are really great & kind. They are unusual for Head Start because you can tell they are genuine in there concerns for L. Almost like we have Flo back. Find out that Audrey is the one I am suppose to be dealing with NOT Sue. Audrey isn’t around L except when she is working with him. No one can tell me anything about Aybeyoyo. Leave a message with Dr. Fritz about L’s sinus infection not improving on the Augmentin. He adds Prednisone & Omniceft to the regiment and drops the Augmentin. L starts to improve. Audrey finally sends the story about Aybeyoyo home. She says he is the only one who is bothered in the class. I explain about how the troll in The 3 Billy goats gruff bothered him too. She says she needs this info. I am left confused as it is to be in his file according to people like Sue. We can totally see why L is afraid of the story after reviewing it. We also find out about Between the Lions having it on there program. Sue admits that L is afraid to go to the bathroom because of a monster. While with his dad L tells him about the monster Aybeyo yo. And how he sometimes is a giant & sometimes he’s not. L continues to have bad dreams about school where he cries out at night. He also is very afraid to be alone or out of site of either C, K, his dad or me. Jeff O is now on the case with L. L is still coming home with Rocks in his shoes. I am now told it’s because his shoes are too big for him & he needs new ones. I’ll add that to his Christmas list & see if I can talk his gram into them. Still concerned over budget. Audrey wants me to write down my questions but I don’t think she does. I am still very concerned about who I am to go to get my questions answered regarding L. I am spending more time on my calls reassuring them than getting any questions answered. My calls are heard by another. No one all year has wanted to answer my questions about L. I wish I felt better so that I could be there at school so I could see for my self. I am hearing that I didn’t learn with K & am now paying for it with L. I am just to much with Rose Colored Glasses On I am told. Well, I guess they are right I have hope. I had hope for my mom until she died. Maybe I should give up on Head Start. Am not sure I’ll be able to get the information in time for Recor & Cook. Finally got an answer to L’s telling us about time out. Maybe now that Laura is involved and Audrey is informed that we aren’t happy about no answers we will get them. The Bus Driver & Aide are going to document as much as they can & are going to start a journal. I hope they don’t get in trouble for this. Others in K’s past have gotten in trouble for it so that is what I fear for them.
Head Start Meeting Home Visit with Sue & Lynn. Show them & explain about L’s Sensory Integration Issues using the rubber bands to get him to write and how important that is to be used with him every time. Reassured that Sue & Lynn would do it with him. How he is more sensitive than other kids. How things bother him, How potty training is going & the family history. How he struggles to communicate, gets angry & then quits even trying. About how he is looking forward to Mr. Jake & Flo. Find out that neither will be around L. September 15, 2003 L Starts Head Start. L happy to have his buddies. Sad not to have Mr. Jake. Open House--speak about bus schedule & what can be done because of K’s schedule & the bus times. Work out arrangements on bus. Logan comes home walking funny. There are rocks in his shoes. 5 times this occurs.
October
L afraid to go to the bathroom. Potty training attempts stop. Accidents occur. Getting restless in his sleep. Still struggle with the time the bus is going to show up. L is starting Nightmares & fears going to school. Doesn’t want to get on bus in the morning. Doesn’t want to go to school. Gets very tearful & upset when school is mentioned. Starts hiding his shoes, coat, backpack in order to not go to school. Suspect that Sue isn’t using rubber bands but reassured that she is doing what we spoke to her about last month with L. L comes home with very sore feet. There are rocks in his shoes. Sue agrees to help L with getting the rocks out of his shoes. Rocks in shoes 8 times this month. L comes home with a sore bottom. BM is dried on a long soak in the tub helps to clean him up. He cries when he walks. The bus people say that he didn’t do it on the bus ride home & as dry as it was we have to agree. L comes home in too small of pullups numerous times. Makes us wonder if we aren’t sending enough in his bag. Check his bag & find that there are lots there. L has had his clothes sent home in a bag do to accidents. He is upset & fears his clothes will go to the garbage. He voices that he is afraid of getting in trouble if he goes to bathroom. Sue reassures us that it’s not happening. Carol mentions her concerns about L’s speech. Nikki calls with concerns about Logan. She voices Deb M observations that L has problems. Confide to Nikki that L is losing his Medicaid as of October 31 because of K., the Frustration of him being sick with a sinus infection, possible needing surgery, concern about the cat scan & seeing a new doctor do to Medicaid & the allergies, concern about how Deb M treated us in the past & how L didn’t do real well under her care & with the aide and how he improved greatly when Mr. Jake took over and Deb & aide left him alone, not enough money for everything he needs, waiting to get answers & fear of repeating K’s medical nightmare of miss or lack of diagnosis's until to late. What can the ranch do? Talk to Ken about seeing L. Getting Jeff O on board. Dr. Y about helping K with L & what to do to help L with K.
November
Dr. P mentions L has an abnormal cat scan refuses to treat him until after he is seen by neurologist. Says that the headaches would be sinus related if L was older & upper sinus developed more. But that it’s not sinus it’s something more & that we are missing major pieces of the puzzle & until those are put in place he can’t treat L. Get call from Ranch that Deb M tells them L has Medicaid when in fact that he doesn’t explain situation we are facing & agree to call them back if L regains his Medicaid. L can barely walk in from the bus ride home. The bus people are concerned about L’s change in behavior. Once inside we discover that L has rocks in his shoes & a very sore bottom from dried out caked on bm. A call to Sue reveals that the person helping L with the bathroom hasn’t been using the supplies in his bag. Mention again L’s fear of using the bathroom at school and are told that there isn’t such a thing. L’s snow boots aren’t sent home either. Go to school to get snow boots & drop off Vaseline. L cuts his Left Index Finger with a potato peeler while cooking with his father. Goes to ER. ER person says that she is concerned about L’s speech & that he needs speech therapy, concerned about L’s reaction to being there. In some ways it’s better & in other ways it’s not so good. Thinks he should be checked out by his pediatrician & agrees that neurological eval wouldn’t be bad either along with a Good Speech Program was floored when heard he was in speech therapy already. Carol again mentions her concerns about L’s speech issues. She wants to know how often he goes.
Still struggle with the time the bus is going to show up. L’s Nightmares & fears going to school are getting worse. He is afraid to use the bathroom & that is getting worse too. He is afraid of getting in trouble but Sue doesn’t want to hear it nor does she seem willing to work on the problem. Doesn’t want to get on bus in the morning. Doesn’t want to go to school. Gets very tearful & upset when school is mentioned. Keeps hiding his shoes, coat, backpack in order to not go to school.
L regains his medicaid. Call to ranch to get started if they can & are willing to help. Dr. Fritz finds no reason for L’s issues with Asthma & Sinus as he doesn’t have allergies nor immune issues. Is greatly surprised about L’s severe sinus infection. prescribes him to take Zyertec, Rhinoauqua , and Augmentin ES. He says that L should see ENT. We tell him about P and he tells us that If P sees it then it’s there as P is the best in reading cat scans, that he’s better than the techs who are suppose to be good at reading them because he doesn‘t look at the cat scan for 1 thing but for many things. His demeanor changes & agrees that we are missing a big piece of the puzzle in order to treat L.
Dana is also seeing issues with Logan. Based on what she hears & sees she tells us about Dr. Cook. Start the ball rolling to get into Dr. Cook. L’s sinus infection gets no better. L freaks out on Dana to the point that she is major concerned & wants answers. She wants to know about his school time as he goes from Head Start to her office on Mondays. On the day that L didn’t go to Head Start but went to her office instead there was no problems this is consistent. Try to talk to Sue regarding issues with L & don’t get the answers that are needed. Can’t speak directly with the people who can answer the questions. Major issue with getting direct info. Sue can’t tell us anything nor can she get the others to the phone or to write so we can get Dana’s questions answered. Laura N gets on the case of L. She resembles his Grandma. L is excited and asks about Grandma coming back. He’s confused that she isn’t grandma. Grandma has been dead for a little over a year. Meeting with Sue where Laura comes with us. There are concerns but we are told that there are others in the classroom who are much worse & more need of help. When questions regarding L are brought up Sue runs out to get the people to answer them. She can’t answer for them. Leaves a bad impression that she’s not the one we should be dealing with which is par for Head Start & our experiences with them in 4 years. Sue admits to not doing the writing & rubber bands like she promised in Sept. & said in Oct. she was doing. She places it on Audrey. Audrey didn’t know about it as it wasn’t in his IEP. Sue said it didn’t need to be in IEP as it was a little thing that could be done in the classroom at home visit. Sue can’t give a time frame nor any answers about L’s speech she runs & gets Amy. Amy defends her position in the work with L. But none of the questions get asked or voiced do to the hostile environment. More people are pulled into the meeting about L. No one deals with the questions. Laura sees what is making me frustrated with the meeting I hope. Nikki is the only honest person there she keeps her mouth shut. Leave meeting feeling worse about L. He then major flips out on Dana at the visit. Nothing is said about Head Start. Nothing is said to upset him. We go in happy mode to Dana’s & he goes berserk. Leaving Dana frustrated. Later we find out that L wasn’t able to eat Lunch at Head Start but we can’t find out why. Again it takes 6 trips by Sue to and from the phone to get the info. L’s nightmares about school are getting worse. He fears a giant name Aybeyoyo. Thanksgiving break L’s nightmares go away. He is really ill. Am told by the bus people that L is starting to act up for them on going into the school. Am asked what it is about Head Start that he is acting up for them. He flips out on bus so bad that Howard forgot to give the pictures to us. He and the driver are shook by L’s sudden change and concerned. I fear another incident like K when asked if they will document.
December
Still struggling with the time the bus is coming. L is still hiding his items he needs so he won’t have to go to school. L is giving driver and aide a challenge. They inquire if we have gotten to the bottom of his problem with school. They are really great & kind. They are unusual for Head Start because you can tell they are genuine in there concerns for L. Almost like we have Flo back. Find out that Audrey is the one I am suppose to be dealing with NOT Sue. Audrey isn’t around L except when she is working with him. No one can tell me anything about Aybeyoyo. Leave a message with Dr. Fritz about L’s sinus infection not improving on the Augmentin. He adds Prednisone & Omniceft to the regiment and drops the Augmentin. L starts to improve. Audrey finally sends the story about Aybeyoyo home. She says he is the only one who is bothered in the class. I explain about how the troll in The 3 Billy goats gruff bothered him too. She says she needs this info. I am left confused as it is to be in his file according to people like Sue. We can totally see why L is afraid of the story after reviewing it. We also find out about Between the Lions having it on there program. Sue admits that L is afraid to go to the bathroom because of a monster. While with his dad L tells him about the monster Aybeyo yo. And how he sometimes is a giant & sometimes he’s not. L continues to have bad dreams about school where he cries out at night. He also is very afraid to be alone or out of site of either C, K, his dad or me. Jeff O is now on the case with L. L is still coming home with Rocks in his shoes. I am now told it’s because his shoes are too big for him & he needs new ones. I’ll add that to his Christmas list & see if I can talk his gram into them. Still concerned over budget. Audrey wants me to write down my questions but I don’t think she does. I am still very concerned about who I am to go to get my questions answered regarding L. I am spending more time on my calls reassuring them than getting any questions answered. My calls are heard by another. No one all year has wanted to answer my questions about L. I wish I felt better so that I could be there at school so I could see for my self. I am hearing that I didn’t learn with K & am now paying for it with L. I am just to much with Rose Colored Glasses On I am told. Well, I guess they are right I have hope. I had hope for my mom until she died. Maybe I should give up on Head Start. Am not sure I’ll be able to get the information in time for Recor & Cook. Finally got an answer to L’s telling us about time out. Maybe now that Laura is involved and Audrey is informed that we aren’t happy about no answers we will get them. The Bus Driver & Aide are going to document as much as they can & are going to start a journal. I hope they don’t get in trouble for this. Others in K’s past have gotten in trouble for it so that is what I fear for them.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
To Mr. Top Notch
I had someone try to drag me into a stupid fight. They claim because I'm laying back out of it that I am mad at them. They are straight from the hood and very thick in the skull so I wrote a couple of I guess poems to open their eyes...
I heard a rumor that you think I'm mad at you.
Well I'm not mad at you at all. So stop this silly nonsense thinking I'm mad at you. I got your message loud and clear the last time we spoke about bothering you with phone calls
Why should I call you Mr. Top Notch?
Your just an Artist a headen for the top
Me I'm nothing
a no one
just a ditsy white bitch
of a speed bump in your way
I'm not dense
I can take a hint
and show myself out the door.
Cuz you made it loud in clear
through the silence that u keep
I've got nothing to bring to you
I've got no names for you to drop around
I got no useful contacts that you can use
I've got no booze nor the right kinda juice
I don't even have the grass you need to feed your dreams
I got no plastic money or Benjamins that you can spend
and It sure seems like that's what it takes to be your friend
So no hard feelings on either side
We both know that it just isn't meant to be
All I could ever be is just a friend
someone who you wouldn't need to pretend with
someone who knew you back in the day
before you get blinded by all the bling
and heated by the hot spot lights
I honestly wouldn't be
someone who would get in the way
But you don't need that
you made it crystal clear
the last time we spoke
to this ditsy white bitch
You simply stated that
You've got all the friends,
bitches and hanger ons
for when you get to the top
that you need
I'm not dense
I can take a hint
and show myself out the door.
Cuz you made it loud in clear
through the silence that u keep
So you don't have to worry about me
I'll still think you’re the best
So cleverer than the rest
Quickest to spin
Slickest to win
You'll shoot to the top
and you won't stop
Seriously I know the score
and I know it's time for me to take a powder
an head to the hills
So as wise a brother as you are
You do to
cuz you've made it loud and clear
through the silence that you shout
I'm not dense
I can take a hint
and show myself out the door.
Cuz you made it loud in clear
through the silence that u keep
Let's be honest with each other
All I'll ever be is a ditzy white bitch
of a speed bump in your path
slown you down
stoppin you from headen to the top
so better we stop before it's too late
but know that there's a
ditsy white bitch that
believes in you
she'll be quiet in the hills
remembering the beats you did
Your going to the top
it won't be long son
the extra money will be pour in
suddenly you'll find tons of friends,
Official Bitches, and wanna be yous
hangin around
just be careful that they don't try to
bust a gun on you.
It's a dog eat dog world up there
Jealousy can rear up at any time
Just be careful you don't die
I hope that while I am in the hills
I will see your star shine bright
I hope I don't read that you die
But should it happen
know that someone will cry
and die a little inside
cause that's what friends do
Even when it's been made
so loud and clear that
I'm just the ditsy white bitch
speed bump in your life.
as I said before
I'm not dense
I can take a hint
and show myself out the door.
Cuz you made it loud in clear
through the silence that u keep
Peace Out
To Mr. Top Notch
It's been brought to my attention that you might believe that I'm only in it for what it will bring to me.That's quite sad because it's furthest from the truth. I don't want what you might think I do.
Furs: There too hot to wear and tend to make me sneeze besides all that there just way too much of a hassle.
Diamonds & Pearls: There worthless in my eyes, cause all they do is get in the way. They also bring nothing but a constant fear. I don't need to live trapped like that. who wants to be afraid of losing a friend because of a stupid rock that might disappear Cause in my day to day routine it could happen.
Cars: That would be so cool cause a new set of wheels has always been a dream to me.But lets be honest as friends should be. Mine time for such treasures is passing by fast. the wide open window of being able to drive a tricked out ride is closing fast. It will soon just be a hunk of junk left to rust in between the times when I can get in and sit for a chance to pretend that life is different than what reality is.
Candy: I'll pass just the same. It's not that I'm watching my weight. The kind I really like is too hard to find and I'm lame as I just don't want to deal with a toothache. Besides I'm sure you can spend your money on something sweet for you.
Crib: Now theres a greater temptation and another dream of mine. I'm gonna need to sit down so I can remain strong and don't cave in. But I have witnessed it being the end between friends all to many times and I don't want to do it again.
Plane rides to see my "only friend" Maria and you. Your the best. But again lets be honest as friends should be. It's nice that you think of me jetting to be with you two. But the problem is and no I don't jest. I'm a horrible selfish bitch you see I want to keep my eye sight if you please. So that means I probably will never get to meet you or see Maria again. It breaks my heart to have to choose between seeing you on stage and in the news or flying off to far off places. I'd rather be able to witness your star shooting to the top from a far 1st hand not 2nd hand when someone can be bothered to take the time to relay it.
Money I don't want it Yes, it true it's something I need and can use. but not if it means the beginning to the end of us being friends. It's nice to have and it's great to spend but it really only ever gets in the way between friends. I've had money and I've had none. I've had friends with no money get some. They moved up this world as only money can do. So instead of chillin in the crib like we used to do, watching movies and eating snacks or going to the cheap seat movies in town, or going out to the joint to shoot some pool; they've all got better things to do like chillin with the local stars, and spending their money like fools. They wear dark shades so they don't have to see me. they keep the ipod up full blast as they go by so they don't have to hear me. Between the shades and the ipods they can easily block me; they don't have to see me cry and they don't have to deal with watchin me die. But like the fool that I am I still get extra snacks and I save a little cash in hopes that soon they will turn around and remember that I was there when they were down. I dont' care that they are living a dream. I remember when cold soup straight out of a can was a special treat just like that jar of caviar they sample instead.
Flowers: Hell No!!! They just make me sneeze. Why waste the money on something that is dying from the moment you get it to give? That's money wasted that could have gone for far better things. However, if you insist that it's flowers I need. Save them for the most appropriate time at my end. You can if you so desire give them then or maybe you'll have a flunky who can save you time and do it for you. Cause at my grave is the place for them.
I hope that you can begin to see that its your friendship that means something to me not what you can do. It's simple and true.
It's nothin to do with material gain for me from you. What I could gain is something far greater to treasure. An anchor to earth, a shoulder to lean on, a face that would search for me in a crowd, maybe a bean of light during my dark hours, someone who would know my name and not hold it against me, Someone who would dare to call me a friend. These are things I too could give you as poor and as dumb as I am. Cause when it's over and done with from beginning to end there's no greater treasure than having a friend.
Your flat out refusal to chat, return messages, or pick up a call. All your silence has made it perfectly loud and clear. So lets be honest and quit playing games, I'm just a silly white chick with nothing for you.
Peace out.
I heard a rumor that you think I'm mad at you.
Well I'm not mad at you at all. So stop this silly nonsense thinking I'm mad at you. I got your message loud and clear the last time we spoke about bothering you with phone calls
Why should I call you Mr. Top Notch?
Your just an Artist a headen for the top
Me I'm nothing
a no one
just a ditsy white bitch
of a speed bump in your way
I'm not dense
I can take a hint
and show myself out the door.
Cuz you made it loud in clear
through the silence that u keep
I've got nothing to bring to you
I've got no names for you to drop around
I got no useful contacts that you can use
I've got no booze nor the right kinda juice
I don't even have the grass you need to feed your dreams
I got no plastic money or Benjamins that you can spend
and It sure seems like that's what it takes to be your friend
So no hard feelings on either side
We both know that it just isn't meant to be
All I could ever be is just a friend
someone who you wouldn't need to pretend with
someone who knew you back in the day
before you get blinded by all the bling
and heated by the hot spot lights
I honestly wouldn't be
someone who would get in the way
But you don't need that
you made it crystal clear
the last time we spoke
to this ditsy white bitch
You simply stated that
You've got all the friends,
bitches and hanger ons
for when you get to the top
that you need
I'm not dense
I can take a hint
and show myself out the door.
Cuz you made it loud in clear
through the silence that u keep
So you don't have to worry about me
I'll still think you’re the best
So cleverer than the rest
Quickest to spin
Slickest to win
You'll shoot to the top
and you won't stop
Seriously I know the score
and I know it's time for me to take a powder
an head to the hills
So as wise a brother as you are
You do to
cuz you've made it loud and clear
through the silence that you shout
I'm not dense
I can take a hint
and show myself out the door.
Cuz you made it loud in clear
through the silence that u keep
Let's be honest with each other
All I'll ever be is a ditzy white bitch
of a speed bump in your path
slown you down
stoppin you from headen to the top
so better we stop before it's too late
but know that there's a
ditsy white bitch that
believes in you
she'll be quiet in the hills
remembering the beats you did
Your going to the top
it won't be long son
the extra money will be pour in
suddenly you'll find tons of friends,
Official Bitches, and wanna be yous
hangin around
just be careful that they don't try to
bust a gun on you.
It's a dog eat dog world up there
Jealousy can rear up at any time
Just be careful you don't die
I hope that while I am in the hills
I will see your star shine bright
I hope I don't read that you die
But should it happen
know that someone will cry
and die a little inside
cause that's what friends do
Even when it's been made
so loud and clear that
I'm just the ditsy white bitch
speed bump in your life.
as I said before
I'm not dense
I can take a hint
and show myself out the door.
Cuz you made it loud in clear
through the silence that u keep
Peace Out
To Mr. Top Notch
It's been brought to my attention that you might believe that I'm only in it for what it will bring to me.That's quite sad because it's furthest from the truth. I don't want what you might think I do.
Furs: There too hot to wear and tend to make me sneeze besides all that there just way too much of a hassle.
Diamonds & Pearls: There worthless in my eyes, cause all they do is get in the way. They also bring nothing but a constant fear. I don't need to live trapped like that. who wants to be afraid of losing a friend because of a stupid rock that might disappear Cause in my day to day routine it could happen.
Cars: That would be so cool cause a new set of wheels has always been a dream to me.But lets be honest as friends should be. Mine time for such treasures is passing by fast. the wide open window of being able to drive a tricked out ride is closing fast. It will soon just be a hunk of junk left to rust in between the times when I can get in and sit for a chance to pretend that life is different than what reality is.
Candy: I'll pass just the same. It's not that I'm watching my weight. The kind I really like is too hard to find and I'm lame as I just don't want to deal with a toothache. Besides I'm sure you can spend your money on something sweet for you.
Crib: Now theres a greater temptation and another dream of mine. I'm gonna need to sit down so I can remain strong and don't cave in. But I have witnessed it being the end between friends all to many times and I don't want to do it again.
Plane rides to see my "only friend" Maria and you. Your the best. But again lets be honest as friends should be. It's nice that you think of me jetting to be with you two. But the problem is and no I don't jest. I'm a horrible selfish bitch you see I want to keep my eye sight if you please. So that means I probably will never get to meet you or see Maria again. It breaks my heart to have to choose between seeing you on stage and in the news or flying off to far off places. I'd rather be able to witness your star shooting to the top from a far 1st hand not 2nd hand when someone can be bothered to take the time to relay it.
Money I don't want it Yes, it true it's something I need and can use. but not if it means the beginning to the end of us being friends. It's nice to have and it's great to spend but it really only ever gets in the way between friends. I've had money and I've had none. I've had friends with no money get some. They moved up this world as only money can do. So instead of chillin in the crib like we used to do, watching movies and eating snacks or going to the cheap seat movies in town, or going out to the joint to shoot some pool; they've all got better things to do like chillin with the local stars, and spending their money like fools. They wear dark shades so they don't have to see me. they keep the ipod up full blast as they go by so they don't have to hear me. Between the shades and the ipods they can easily block me; they don't have to see me cry and they don't have to deal with watchin me die. But like the fool that I am I still get extra snacks and I save a little cash in hopes that soon they will turn around and remember that I was there when they were down. I dont' care that they are living a dream. I remember when cold soup straight out of a can was a special treat just like that jar of caviar they sample instead.
Flowers: Hell No!!! They just make me sneeze. Why waste the money on something that is dying from the moment you get it to give? That's money wasted that could have gone for far better things. However, if you insist that it's flowers I need. Save them for the most appropriate time at my end. You can if you so desire give them then or maybe you'll have a flunky who can save you time and do it for you. Cause at my grave is the place for them.
I hope that you can begin to see that its your friendship that means something to me not what you can do. It's simple and true.
It's nothin to do with material gain for me from you. What I could gain is something far greater to treasure. An anchor to earth, a shoulder to lean on, a face that would search for me in a crowd, maybe a bean of light during my dark hours, someone who would know my name and not hold it against me, Someone who would dare to call me a friend. These are things I too could give you as poor and as dumb as I am. Cause when it's over and done with from beginning to end there's no greater treasure than having a friend.
Your flat out refusal to chat, return messages, or pick up a call. All your silence has made it perfectly loud and clear. So lets be honest and quit playing games, I'm just a silly white chick with nothing for you.
Peace out.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Scarface
I know it's the name of a very well known movie. It's also the name I was given for several years in my childhood. I was able to heal enough in regards to hearing it that I was able to put it aside out of mind. That is until the introduction into Harry Potter. Then it came out in the foreground of my mind once more. I can hear the voice of my tormentors as clear and pure as Draco Malfoy's remarks to Harry Potter. Though the words would be different. For some reason I have awoken with a replay of the scene that gave me that name in my mind. Why I don't know. Unless it's suppose to be what I write about next.
It was back in grade school. I had been blessed with having pleased my mother. What or why I don't recall. I do recall the reward. The reward I was given was time with some kids who were sort of my friends. I say that they were sorta my friends because I don't know if they would have been my friends had they not been forced.
See my step-father's brother had a wife and several girlfriends. One had 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. It was these who were the friends I would get to stay with. I went down to their house and got to stay for dinner. I even got to stay the night. A rare treat for me. These particular friends also had a dog. A dachshund. A standard sized dachshund to be exact. This dog was called Peanut.
Peanut is an import character in the following of this story. See it's because of Peanut that I got my nickname. Peanut was a kind dog for the most part. The brothers would tease him from time to time. The girls would use him as a doll. But as time went on there were subtle changes in Peanut. He'd be a bit more edgy in a sense. He'd be a little quicker to snap.
Now me I wouldn't ever participate in the teasing. I knew better than to tease an animal. I had been bitten before by dogs that had been ruthlessly teased by children. I also knew that to get caught would mean a hellish beating and disgrace. I tried very hard to be a good kid. Especially when it came to animals. Unless it was Puff but that is another story.
As I was saying I did get to stay for supper and I did go about helping with the evening chores. I would do this because I knew it would a) be reported back to my mother and maybe continue to please her b) it meant we could go have fun sooner as many hands make quick work of lots of tasks. So I was more than willing to help out with the evening chores so that we could do something fun when it happened.
The last chore to fun was feeding Peanut. I volunteered to put the scraps in the bowl. It was as I was crossing the floor to the food bowl that I should have gotten my first clue. Peanut came quickly away from the boys. Almost too quickly and he was all excited jumping around. He'd do that sometimes so I took no notice of it. It was when I was tipping the scraps into his food bowl that it happened. Peanut jumped up and grabbed my face.
I didn't feel pain as much as a dull tugging on my face followed by an incredible amount of odd sticky wetness. I don't know how he was taken off. I don't remember much more than the sickened horrified looks on the faces of those who were looking at me. The wet washcloth that the mom had put to my face with her strict order not to remove it. My uncle's calling to my parentals and then being pulled out of the house, and hurried up the street at a quick march to my parents. I remember the cold breeze and being drug along behind while at the same time being told not to say anything about peanut. How if he should have to be put down I would lose my only friends.
We were able to get into my house quickly. My mother was extremely angry. She rushed forward and took me to the bathroom to look at it. While hosenose and father spoke about what had happened with my uncle.
It was decided that I must go to the ER so I was pushed into the vehicle for the ride to the ER. I remember being mildly annoyed as I just so wanted to sleep and strangely terrified. I was afraid I would be put down like Old Yeller. I was afraid I'd have to tell and Peanut would be destroyed and so would my only friendship.
I remember lying on the bed feeling the scratchy sheet beneath my good cheek staring at the white walls. Wondering what would happen to me now. Not realizing how bad it was. My mother for once was doing a good show of being a mother. She was sobbing I could see the fat tears rolling down her face. I was touched to think that she was crying for me. Thou I should have known better. It didn't take long only a couple of weeks for me to learn the real truth. She hadn't been crying about me but the loss of money. That's what had her really upset. If I was badly scarred then who'd want to come play with me? Gone would be the money making weekends. But at the time ignorance was complete bliss.
She kept whispering to hang on and it would be ok. I'd survive it. The doctor that was on call turned out to be Dr. K. That was a good thing according to the nurse. Dr. K studied under a plastic surgeon for a bit. So he would know best what to do to save my face. It was at that moment that I concluded that I didn't give a damn about my face just as long as I didn't die of rabies. I had heard tales of the horribleness of rabies and had seen a rabid animal or two by that time. I didn't want to be like them.
The doctor came in and started barking orders. I had been very lucky he said. Had I not been wearing glasses the bite might have been much worse. As it was, there were just a couple of bad ones close to my eye. They'd need to be watched closely and I'd have to follow up with an eye doctor especially if they should fester. When he got through with me I had 9 different places that were cleaned and bandaged up. The doctor had decided to do an experiment. Instead of using the traditional needle and thread to repair my face and would have left definite scars, he decided to try using a new thing called steri strips to tape each spot together to see if they would heal cleaner without the nasty scars. He admitted that if it didn't work he could always stitch me back up. I left with a huge bandage on my face and strict orders to not speak more than necessary, to eat super soft foods and to drink with a straw. As he didn't want me to risk opening up the wounds .
It was quite the sensation in school. Everyone was curious about what had happened and what was under the bandages. Everyone was for a change very nice to me. Although it didn't last long. Soon it was back to normal the teasing, bullying, etc. The only real change is that instead of being called the old tired name of 4 eyes I got the new one of Scarface.
Oddly enough as time marched on and the scars faded away the nickname stuck. Always to the amusement of those who remembered seeing them for the first time. Always to the puzzlement of those who had never seen. Because as luck would have it the doctor was very good and what scars there were didn't last as sore thumbs blatantly calling attention to themselves. But I beg to differ. I see them each and every time I look in the mirror. Sure they are not there to those who never knew. There easy to over look but to me who saw them before they were taped up to heal and during the healing time. I can see all 10 of them. Originally there were 12. 9 that needed a lot of attention because of how they gaped open. 3 that didn't need so much attention. Cause they were little more like a minor cut and not deep. I feel them all when I smile. It's part of the reason you don't see me smile. I feel the pull and pain when I do and I hear the harsh horrified voice of the doctor and my parents about did I want to scar myself forever. Etc.
As for what happened to Peanut. I was true to my word. I never mentioned anything to anyone about the dog. I took the blame for his attack to a degree. I begged for him not to be put down on my account. But he was still taken away for quarantine to rule out rabies. Hosenose was fined for not having him up to date on his shots. And it was the beginning to the end of our friendship. They were rather upset and angry with me for him being put into quarantine for 14 days to rule out rabies. They are lucky that is all that happened as he could have easily been destroyed because of not being up to date on his shots and his aggressiveness. I was not the 1st nor was I the last one he bit. It's sad that this drove such a wedge in our friendship.
Peanut got more aggressive and snappish as time went on. Often not allowing the girls whom he had grown up with to go into the bedroom if he was in there or to sit, lie or touch the bed if he was on it. I don't know what eventually happened to him.in I assume that Peanut died at a ripe old age as was fitting his breed.
I do know that I was
It was back in grade school. I had been blessed with having pleased my mother. What or why I don't recall. I do recall the reward. The reward I was given was time with some kids who were sort of my friends. I say that they were sorta my friends because I don't know if they would have been my friends had they not been forced.
See my step-father's brother had a wife and several girlfriends. One had 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. It was these who were the friends I would get to stay with. I went down to their house and got to stay for dinner. I even got to stay the night. A rare treat for me. These particular friends also had a dog. A dachshund. A standard sized dachshund to be exact. This dog was called Peanut.
Peanut is an import character in the following of this story. See it's because of Peanut that I got my nickname. Peanut was a kind dog for the most part. The brothers would tease him from time to time. The girls would use him as a doll. But as time went on there were subtle changes in Peanut. He'd be a bit more edgy in a sense. He'd be a little quicker to snap.
Now me I wouldn't ever participate in the teasing. I knew better than to tease an animal. I had been bitten before by dogs that had been ruthlessly teased by children. I also knew that to get caught would mean a hellish beating and disgrace. I tried very hard to be a good kid. Especially when it came to animals. Unless it was Puff but that is another story.
As I was saying I did get to stay for supper and I did go about helping with the evening chores. I would do this because I knew it would a) be reported back to my mother and maybe continue to please her b) it meant we could go have fun sooner as many hands make quick work of lots of tasks. So I was more than willing to help out with the evening chores so that we could do something fun when it happened.
The last chore to fun was feeding Peanut. I volunteered to put the scraps in the bowl. It was as I was crossing the floor to the food bowl that I should have gotten my first clue. Peanut came quickly away from the boys. Almost too quickly and he was all excited jumping around. He'd do that sometimes so I took no notice of it. It was when I was tipping the scraps into his food bowl that it happened. Peanut jumped up and grabbed my face.
I didn't feel pain as much as a dull tugging on my face followed by an incredible amount of odd sticky wetness. I don't know how he was taken off. I don't remember much more than the sickened horrified looks on the faces of those who were looking at me. The wet washcloth that the mom had put to my face with her strict order not to remove it. My uncle's calling to my parentals and then being pulled out of the house, and hurried up the street at a quick march to my parents. I remember the cold breeze and being drug along behind while at the same time being told not to say anything about peanut. How if he should have to be put down I would lose my only friends.
We were able to get into my house quickly. My mother was extremely angry. She rushed forward and took me to the bathroom to look at it. While hosenose and father spoke about what had happened with my uncle.
It was decided that I must go to the ER so I was pushed into the vehicle for the ride to the ER. I remember being mildly annoyed as I just so wanted to sleep and strangely terrified. I was afraid I would be put down like Old Yeller. I was afraid I'd have to tell and Peanut would be destroyed and so would my only friendship.
I remember lying on the bed feeling the scratchy sheet beneath my good cheek staring at the white walls. Wondering what would happen to me now. Not realizing how bad it was. My mother for once was doing a good show of being a mother. She was sobbing I could see the fat tears rolling down her face. I was touched to think that she was crying for me. Thou I should have known better. It didn't take long only a couple of weeks for me to learn the real truth. She hadn't been crying about me but the loss of money. That's what had her really upset. If I was badly scarred then who'd want to come play with me? Gone would be the money making weekends. But at the time ignorance was complete bliss.
She kept whispering to hang on and it would be ok. I'd survive it. The doctor that was on call turned out to be Dr. K. That was a good thing according to the nurse. Dr. K studied under a plastic surgeon for a bit. So he would know best what to do to save my face. It was at that moment that I concluded that I didn't give a damn about my face just as long as I didn't die of rabies. I had heard tales of the horribleness of rabies and had seen a rabid animal or two by that time. I didn't want to be like them.
The doctor came in and started barking orders. I had been very lucky he said. Had I not been wearing glasses the bite might have been much worse. As it was, there were just a couple of bad ones close to my eye. They'd need to be watched closely and I'd have to follow up with an eye doctor especially if they should fester. When he got through with me I had 9 different places that were cleaned and bandaged up. The doctor had decided to do an experiment. Instead of using the traditional needle and thread to repair my face and would have left definite scars, he decided to try using a new thing called steri strips to tape each spot together to see if they would heal cleaner without the nasty scars. He admitted that if it didn't work he could always stitch me back up. I left with a huge bandage on my face and strict orders to not speak more than necessary, to eat super soft foods and to drink with a straw. As he didn't want me to risk opening up the wounds .
It was quite the sensation in school. Everyone was curious about what had happened and what was under the bandages. Everyone was for a change very nice to me. Although it didn't last long. Soon it was back to normal the teasing, bullying, etc. The only real change is that instead of being called the old tired name of 4 eyes I got the new one of Scarface.
Oddly enough as time marched on and the scars faded away the nickname stuck. Always to the amusement of those who remembered seeing them for the first time. Always to the puzzlement of those who had never seen. Because as luck would have it the doctor was very good and what scars there were didn't last as sore thumbs blatantly calling attention to themselves. But I beg to differ. I see them each and every time I look in the mirror. Sure they are not there to those who never knew. There easy to over look but to me who saw them before they were taped up to heal and during the healing time. I can see all 10 of them. Originally there were 12. 9 that needed a lot of attention because of how they gaped open. 3 that didn't need so much attention. Cause they were little more like a minor cut and not deep. I feel them all when I smile. It's part of the reason you don't see me smile. I feel the pull and pain when I do and I hear the harsh horrified voice of the doctor and my parents about did I want to scar myself forever. Etc.
As for what happened to Peanut. I was true to my word. I never mentioned anything to anyone about the dog. I took the blame for his attack to a degree. I begged for him not to be put down on my account. But he was still taken away for quarantine to rule out rabies. Hosenose was fined for not having him up to date on his shots. And it was the beginning to the end of our friendship. They were rather upset and angry with me for him being put into quarantine for 14 days to rule out rabies. They are lucky that is all that happened as he could have easily been destroyed because of not being up to date on his shots and his aggressiveness. I was not the 1st nor was I the last one he bit. It's sad that this drove such a wedge in our friendship.
Peanut got more aggressive and snappish as time went on. Often not allowing the girls whom he had grown up with to go into the bedroom if he was in there or to sit, lie or touch the bed if he was on it. I don't know what eventually happened to him.in I assume that Peanut died at a ripe old age as was fitting his breed.
I do know that I was
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Music Touches Your Life
You know music has touched your life when...
You walk into a gun department and you hear someone messing with the slide and that distinctive click and you instantly get the song "Bust My Guns" immediately comes to mind followed by "Cowboys from Hell... sparks fly from my double barrel 12 gauge... can't lock me in your cage... we're taking over this town..."
You are still in that same department and someone is talking about something that happened on patrol in another city/state and your mind goes back to "Body Count" and "Cop Killer".
You run into someone that you used to know but who you don't care to remember or associate with... they ask if your still with the loser you where with back in the day. And what pops in your head... "Get to Know" along with "When Doves Cry" and while your waiting for them to put a break in there rant so you can politely walk away... Your mind drifts back to the day of driving around with your man and his friend with the speakers blaring "Cowboys from Hell", "F*n Hostile", "Psycho Holiday" "Primal Concrete Sledge", "Cemetery Gates", "Walk", "Harvester of Sorrow", "Justice for All", "Nothing Else Matters", "Enter Sandman" "Sad But True" and many, many more...
So you half smile which is totally taken that you've been listening to the last 10 minutes or so of yak and you desperately hope you haven't agreed to something nasty.
But this triggers many other associations.
You can smell the the burgers from "Sandys", "Marlboro cigarettes" and you can smell the tang of both gun smoke and powder, you can feel the smooth action of the slide of your "Rugar" and the "Llama" and you feel your heart break. As you head to the restroom to try to a) get yourself under control and b) to hide the tears pricking your eyes... You can hear the debates that you listened to oh so long ago... About guns, movies, actors, music, controversy... As the tears run down your cheek you remember the precious days of going shooting and hunting killer man eating misc. trash left at the range. you remember the surprise of mouse, gerbil, and snake. You remember the scares, You remember learning to identify brass, and coming back to the strong stench of gun oil as you cleaned and serviced your weapon and then the days of movies, cheap food, and counting, weighing, measuring and packing rounds for the next outing.
It's only when your interrupted by the pleas of a little child to hurry up that you realize with the pain of a sucker punch how time has marched ruthlessly on and those days are gone...
You move on to another store and there's music playing in the back ground... The cashiers are talking about the old songs being played and you can't help but feel odd. You never considered yourself old. But you remember these songs... not only do you remeber them... You remember eagerly awaiting their release. Going to a concert and hearing them live. You remember the thrill and excitement of sneaking out with your friend to attend the concert. The makeup that was puttied on, the can and a half of Aqua Net, the pain of burns from the curling iron with the pull of the comb as your hair is forced into a dizzy height and wearing clothes that you normally wouldn't be allowed to touch let alone be dressed in. The nagging if you should get caught feeling and the acceptance of what would happen if you were... You experience an odd mixture of physical recoil and nausea as you remember the last time you were caught. Your mind can't stop playing the sounds, smells of that time. The crack and sting of the lash, the feeling of running water on your back only you smell the copper tang so you know it's not water that's running down, and the intense pain. Your brought out of this by the laughter of your friend and her Grandma. Remember the awed surprise that your friends Grandmother would stoop to helping you go to the concert.
You just can't help to smile and as you go on through the rest of your time out scents, sounds, sights, and talk just bring back clearly how much music has touched your life.
You walk into a gun department and you hear someone messing with the slide and that distinctive click and you instantly get the song "Bust My Guns" immediately comes to mind followed by "Cowboys from Hell... sparks fly from my double barrel 12 gauge... can't lock me in your cage... we're taking over this town..."
You are still in that same department and someone is talking about something that happened on patrol in another city/state and your mind goes back to "Body Count" and "Cop Killer".
You run into someone that you used to know but who you don't care to remember or associate with... they ask if your still with the loser you where with back in the day. And what pops in your head... "Get to Know" along with "When Doves Cry" and while your waiting for them to put a break in there rant so you can politely walk away... Your mind drifts back to the day of driving around with your man and his friend with the speakers blaring "Cowboys from Hell", "F*n Hostile", "Psycho Holiday" "Primal Concrete Sledge", "Cemetery Gates", "Walk", "Harvester of Sorrow", "Justice for All", "Nothing Else Matters", "Enter Sandman" "Sad But True" and many, many more...
So you half smile which is totally taken that you've been listening to the last 10 minutes or so of yak and you desperately hope you haven't agreed to something nasty.
But this triggers many other associations.
You can smell the the burgers from "Sandys", "Marlboro cigarettes" and you can smell the tang of both gun smoke and powder, you can feel the smooth action of the slide of your "Rugar" and the "Llama" and you feel your heart break. As you head to the restroom to try to a) get yourself under control and b) to hide the tears pricking your eyes... You can hear the debates that you listened to oh so long ago... About guns, movies, actors, music, controversy... As the tears run down your cheek you remember the precious days of going shooting and hunting killer man eating misc. trash left at the range. you remember the surprise of mouse, gerbil, and snake. You remember the scares, You remember learning to identify brass, and coming back to the strong stench of gun oil as you cleaned and serviced your weapon and then the days of movies, cheap food, and counting, weighing, measuring and packing rounds for the next outing.
It's only when your interrupted by the pleas of a little child to hurry up that you realize with the pain of a sucker punch how time has marched ruthlessly on and those days are gone...
You move on to another store and there's music playing in the back ground... The cashiers are talking about the old songs being played and you can't help but feel odd. You never considered yourself old. But you remember these songs... not only do you remeber them... You remember eagerly awaiting their release. Going to a concert and hearing them live. You remember the thrill and excitement of sneaking out with your friend to attend the concert. The makeup that was puttied on, the can and a half of Aqua Net, the pain of burns from the curling iron with the pull of the comb as your hair is forced into a dizzy height and wearing clothes that you normally wouldn't be allowed to touch let alone be dressed in. The nagging if you should get caught feeling and the acceptance of what would happen if you were... You experience an odd mixture of physical recoil and nausea as you remember the last time you were caught. Your mind can't stop playing the sounds, smells of that time. The crack and sting of the lash, the feeling of running water on your back only you smell the copper tang so you know it's not water that's running down, and the intense pain. Your brought out of this by the laughter of your friend and her Grandma. Remember the awed surprise that your friends Grandmother would stoop to helping you go to the concert.
You just can't help to smile and as you go on through the rest of your time out scents, sounds, sights, and talk just bring back clearly how much music has touched your life.
Step By Step
You are so torn between excitement and concern, jubilation at the
beginning of a new voyage and terror at the unknown. You need to talk
to someone to help you get through this time time. Your family doesn't
want to hear any more about it. It has reached the point that they
suddenly are very helpful with getting chores done. Especially those
that help them to avoid hearing any more about your little project.
You still want to get it out there to someone else. Not only because
it's exciting and something fresh to talk about. It's so that someone
can warn you to jump ship in time. You have doubts that are entering
in. You want to have someone with fresh ears hear you out and help
dispell them and you want someone to stop you if what your doing is
wrong. Especially when you know you can't trust your family to help
stop you. (Mainly because they are all in some stage of a talk induced
coma ;-) )
Yet you still have to be Quiet. So what do you do? You get out a gag,
or if your like me you chew gum. Yes, I chew gum. I know it's a vile
disgusting habit to many. I really hope you won't think less of me for
knowing this little quirk of mine. I do it for a few reasons but I'm
more prone to gum chewing when I need to be quiet about something. No,
I'm not sure why; other than being told to bite my tongue a lot as a
kid growing up. Especially when it came to things one (mainly me)
needed to be quiet on, followed by being handed a stick or piece of gum.
Your just bursting at the seams with keeping your mouth shut. You feel
incredible pity at the 1st person who just happens to get in the path
of your raging river of words when the damn breaks, I mean gag comes
off... Because that unfortunate soul is going to have a deluge of words
come down on them and more than likely their ear talked off. Hopefully
your slow enough that they can at the very least understand what your
saying...
Well that's me...
I have learned that my place in bidding has been officially accepted. I have to get my credentials approved and place a deposit towards a reserve bid.It is quite nerve wracking to be in this spot but also highly exciting.
NTLDR Error
Current mood:
betrayed In the middle of doing life as usual, gearing up for end of the quarter reporters for school, end of the month reports, CT's updates, etc. I made the mistake of thinking I could take a nap while a scan was run so I could finish up what I was doing...
My being in a napping position gave hot shot an idea that he could so get on the computer....
Well, his plan was to restart the computer. I don't know if he even logged me off or not. All I know is that he came into the bedroom in a royale panic. I wasn't to coherent at first being that I was majorly tired, and there was no mention of the children or the dog nor of blood, puke or the need for stitches. I just rolled over and went to sleep. This really ticked him off and he woke me again to the news that life as we knew it was over.
Our computer crashed. It would turn on but there was no data to be found...
In a state of dismal zombieness we took it to the computer shop. There was a glimmer of hope. They might be able to recover some of the files. So we had to figure out what was the most important files for them to try...
So not what a brain numb zombie wants to hear. How do you prioritize your files. Do you go for the school and business? which of those two is more important. Do you go for your photos? Do you go for music? Do you go for the medical records? Do you go for the SD stuff?
Now for those who don't know... I use some pretty specific programs for things I do. They aren't what you would call user friendly for brain numb zombie to remember. See in their uniqueness or paranoia as one person described it. They do save their files in a database format. However, so not anyone can use it they save it a tad bit differently. Here I'm trying to figure out exactly what the ".XXX" letters are. I know them when i see them but for the life of me could I recall it to tell the tech... All the while trying to get my brain to work on recalling what I need, my stomach is falling as I see the hope of these files slipping further and further away.
The tech took pitty on me or maybe he was tired of the deer in the headlights look that I so clearly had on my face. He said he'd try to do a all files recovery.
A few days out... we get the call. The computer is toast. There is nothing to recover at the level the tech is experienced in. This error is too great. He offers the platitude that there wasn't anything I did to cause it. This is just an error that happens to many with no rhyme or reason... And it's a bad error to have happen. It can't be predicted as to when or if it will happen.
As he goes on with more blabbering. My inner witch is awoken. I'm trying to figure out why he thinks it's something i did. I'm not the know it all hot shot who f***ed the computer up. I'm about to set the record straight when he switches to something better to hear. The puter is under warranty still. The hard drive failed. So we can get a new harddrive for it. FREE!!! Which I agree to but what about the other data... That's when the sales pitch begins in earnst. They can send it to a level 2 or 3 recovery unit and try to salvage what is there... However, it would be a minimum of $400. Is the data worth that?
Again I don't know how do you put a price on it? So I let him talk to the hot shot computer killer.
In the mean time we have been going through our supposed back ups. Those that I have are corrupted. Meaning nothing on them is any good.
Life isn't a bowl of cherries at this time
Current mood:
bitchy I'm sick so that don't help much.
A new pediatrician in town has dx my dc with autism. What ever gives you that idea? Don't mean to be snarky it's just frustrating because back in the day when it would have mattered and made a difference it couldn't be done. Now I get it regularly but still doesn't change things. There are no wonderful programs here to help my kiddos. So what's the use... She did give me a scrip for the incontinence supplies.
So I took it in to get the scrip filled and nothing but attitude. The clerk is such a snob and witch that I am amazed she don't break her neck tripping over the cluttered show room.
She took a look at the prescriptions and her attitude went from neutral to snooty.
She demanded ID 1st. Insisted that I had to show 2 forms. Plus had to bring the kids in to match their photo id with them. She wouldn't accept our state IDs. She wouldn't accept them because they are paper not the real thing. Doesn't matter that we got them from the DMV and they are on special paper and have the DMV seal and are legit and to be used until the real ones show up, and show just what our state ID's will show picture and information. So I had to use our school id's. Oh those were just barely good enough because they were made out of thick plastic like our state ID's will be made out of. She wasn't happy that they were cleared to be used. lol (best $20 I spent
)Then she saw the Medicaid cards. Where those good enough NO. She demanded other insurance. Well we ain't got other insurance. IF we did you'd of gotten that card shown to you. Also, if we could get other insurance do you think we'd have Medicaid? sheesh. So she has to measure the kids and she got really nasty when I asked her to explain what she wanted. Not just hand me a tape measure and say measure them. I wasn't sure if they needed 2 measurements or just 1. turns out she needed 3. So it's a good thing she did the measuring herself.
Once she was done I sent the kids back out to the car. Too many shiny objects like wheelchairs, walkers, canes, comodes, chairs that move, etc. I could see that there little eyes where darting around and the gears where turning trying to figure out what to get into that would cause the most sensory pleasure while also creating the most havoc.
She finished filling out the paperwork and then said she'd give us a call later that day or the next afternoon. I had to ask her 3 times to get the medicaid cards back and I had to ask her 4 times for our id's back. Why she wouldn't just hand them back is beyond me.
She never calls until Friday. 1 hour before close. She calls to tell me I have to have $393.00 in cash to her in 20 minutes or the deal is off on the kids getting their supplies. Why? because I have to buy one of each brand that they carry and have the children try them out. then once a brand is found that they can use and will work for them. the script can be filled out. Why? because no brand was written on the script. Also, they are only allowed to bill Medicaid 1 time per month. So they can't bill Medicaid until they know what brand the child would be getting. I asked if this was a copay and was told no this was my responsibility for using Medicaid.
I asked for it to be put in writing and it was refused. Then she agreed to have a letter for me on Monday. Come Monday she didn't have a letter. I asked why what happened to the letter and she stated that Medicaid would cover it so the letter wasn't needed. I told her that I had sought help to get her the money she requested and needed the letter for the deal to go through. She stated no letter because insurance covered it. I asked what changed in 48 hours? and she said nothing had changed so I said where's the letter? She then wanted to charge me $70.20 for a copay. Now what chickie poo didnt' know is that I called medicaid's office before entering her shop. I learned that what she was pulling was bogus. That there would be no copay because of the medical dx the dc where given and because they are still Under the age of 21. She refused to let me have the items without paying the copay. I refused to pay the copay that was false unless she would put it in writing that I was paying a copay and give me a receipt. She refused. So... I ran out of time. I had to pick my son up from his counseling appointment. We left.
Because we left and because I refused to pay the copay, she canceled our order. I don't have the supplies we needed and she is telling everyone how I don't care for my children cause if I did I would have paid the copay.
I have signed a release so our advocate could talk to her. I am hoping that he can get this mess fixed. I have spoken to others and learned that she is the worst person to deal with in the office. I am working on a letter of complaint to give to her supervisor. What is very sad is this place is part of the Catholic Non profit hospital which is suppose to be full of compassion. That other agencies and lots of people talk to others about as being wonderful and fabulous for those like myself who need compassion and understanding. No they aren't there just as money hungry as the for profit places if not worse. GRRR...
My other friend has a teenage daughter who is pregnant. The girl is not doing very well. She's really looking horrible. Thin, dark circles, lank hair, and pale complexion she looks like death warmed over. It's a radical change from the girl I saw in June to how she looked this week when I saw her. There's a history in the family of preterm labor with babies coming as early as 8 weeks. It looks like the back ache she's been having for the last week is the beginnings of labor. It's fearful that she will have the baby too soon. Her due date is Thanksgiving Day. I'm worried about her. Not because she doesn't have family and support but because I see this poor girl who has gone from having a bright sunny aura, sprakling hair, clear radiant skin, and a good attitude to being a corpse with white pasty skin, dull hair, and a dingy barely there aura. I can't tell you what it was today but I was extremely worried about her. I had all kinds of impressions and images come to my mind about her. None that were good. I did offer a Reiki session but I don't expect it to go very far. I'm just worried and feel horrible for her.
I have a neighbor who's bad mouthing us. She's afraid of her duaghter catching autism and CMT because her child didn't get vaccinated against them. She's been really trying to cause a stink here. She's threatened to hurt my kids and she's got the neighbor girl in tears. You mention the woman's first name which is the name of a cooking product and the neighbor girl bursts into tears and starts shaking. I am hoping to get my hands on the petition she's supposedly gotten going around to get me and the kids kicked out of our home because we are lowering property values by being disabled. Grrr.
I then have a friend who is so full of herself and who is making such stupid choices that I am fearful she will wind up either in jail because of some trumped up charge or because she was protecting the love of her life or she will lose her children permanently. She keeps telling me that losing her children isn't going to happen and that it's what she doesn't want to have happen and yet she won't do anything to make it so it won't happen. She's got her kids farmed out to live with other people. She barely sees them because she's got this "love interest". The talk is that the people who have the kids are going to file for custody of them. I can't blame them for doing that. I just don't know how she's so blind to it. How can she think its so cute that her daughter is calling someone else mom? How can she say that she misses putting them to bed when she never is there? She's never there cause she's with her "love interest". He refuses to call her his girl friend. He refuses to do things out in public with her. But let him get in a jam and she's got to bail him out cause he cares about her. His taking money from her babies knowingly and willingly tells me that all he cares about is her money. Otherwise, he wouldn't encourage her to leave her kids behind all the time, demand that she choose him over them and spend the money for them on him. It's a bloody train wreck and I'm sick watching it happen. I'm seriously beginning to question her mental state.
Then there is T. T had to take her child to a preschool screening. Her oldest is fine. Normal to above normal. Her baby isn't. The child is going to be 1 year in 2 weeks or less. the child tested out at 3 months. She is upset that the child qualified for services. No longer is this child her pride and joy but very disgusting. Spanking of this child started 4 to 5 months ago, and is now being boasted as the right thing apparently for this child. She is royally pissed that now the child will get free services but the strings attached are that someone will be coming into her house and watching what they are doing and checking to make sure the kids are safe. I'm trying very hard to not smack her to see if I can get her brain to work the right way. At least I don't have to worry about the kids being hurt as long as they qualify for services because the person coming to the house is a mandatory reporter. lol Maybe just maybe I'll be lucky and T will have to walk a mile in my shoes after all. one can only hope
Birthdays Stink!!!
Current mood:
crushed I'm tired and I'm grumpy. I had a really bad day on Wednesday. It continued on to Thursday.
I've never had a good birthday away from my Gram. So I guess since she's away rather permanently I can expect this day to suck from now on.
I got harassed by a security guard. He threatened to write me up for parking in a handicap space not because I didn't have a handicap placard nor because I have handicap plates but because of the model of my car.
I was given a lincoln town car. It is huge. It is old and it was free. I was accused of "stealing my Grandma's car" because I didn't look disabled. I was yelled at for having Scout with us. Scout was in his uniform. *See August Fun Photos*
I lost it after the crappy treatment at the zoo... I complained and the guard got fired. that wasn't my intention. I'm sorry I was the x number of complaints about him. So now i have another downer for my day. The bakery lost the cake. My order for my birthday didn't get placed... it will come sometime in the next two weeks. The person I ordered from "forgot" to place it.
My kids and Ed never remembered either. I was told that I should have told them. It's marked on the calender. But why I should I have to tell them to look? Why can't the date that hasn't changed in more than 5 years for the kiddos and 15 years for dh. not register with them...All I can say is it hurt.
I have been reprimanded by the homeschool group that had the function at the zoo. That cut to the bone. It was sooo smacking of what my mother used to do to me EVERY birthday until she died.
But worse was the 5 phone calls from "friends". I honestly thought that were going to say something. Nope. They went on and on about their love life, their kids, their job, their day, their anniversary... After the 9th phone call... I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice. So I blurted out it's my birthday. Not one of them acted like they heard me say that. I should have just ignored the rest of their phone calls for the day. I didn't. I stayed talking to them up until 11:30 p.m.
I got a call this morning from one of them. She yelled at me because I dared to mention that yesterday was my birthday. She told me she thought I was her friend and that I shouldn't focus on me so much. That I need to be more about everyone else. I was bad because I said and I quote "Today's my birthday". She admitted that I listened to her all day long and that it was only at 11:30 p.m. when I said it to her. However, she still feels that I was being too self-centered.
I don't know maybe I was. I guess my parentals where right. I'm too selfcentered and selfish in wanting a Happy Birthday. I'll try to work on it in the future.
To see Angels remembrance was so wonderful. I know that Jackie also remembered but she wasn't online because of Fay. So she doesnt count in not doing or saying cause we had already talked about it.
Zoo's are Nasty
Current mood:
angry I don't know what's more embarassing getting dirty looks because your autistic child is tantruming or getting kicked out of a zoo filled with home schoolers because your autistic child has a service dog.
Why were we kicked out? Because this zoo has a NO Pets policy! NO Dogs allowed. We have a dog. He is a "service dog" not a "pet". He wears a service dog in training vest. He can't wear it as a "pet". he isn't a "pet" He isn't a "therapy dog". He tends to be damn good at predicting seizures or episodes with dd. He helps her to distinguish what's real and what's not. He helps her to be able to go to places like the zoo.
In a nut shell: the zoo felt justified in kicking us out for not having Federal disabled papers, not having Federal Service Dog papers, Not having proper photo Id (it didn't have a diabled label on it so how could they be 100% certain we are disabled?), not having our medical records with us defining exactly what the disabling medical conditions we have are, not having a doctors not saying we need a service dog, not having the dogs vet records with us, not having a rabies certificate with us so they could compare the tag with the certificate, not having a city license certificate again to compare with the tag he wears, (Hello a simple phone call could have done that) not having given them 72 hours notice 1st that we were coming, not having agency paperwork saying we could have a service dog, not having a city/county certificate saying that our service dog is a legit service dog.I'm probably missing a lot of the papers we are to have but that's the highlights.
So in order for the kiddos to participate in a home school function... We had to send the dog home. Now because of that... When my dd ran into problems I was on my own. I had no helper, I had no dog to alert me that she was having an issue. I had no zoo "staff" to help me either and no other visitors in the area. My dd had an incident. I couldn't leave her for help because no child under the age of 15 is to be left unattended by an adult.. meaning she couldn't be alone. nor could her and my son be left alone. I couldn't send my son for help again because of the no child thing. I also couldn't leave her for help becuase of snakes, animals, areas she could have fallen from, water, and other safety issues. The zoo literally put me in a bad spot that I wouldn't have been in had i been allowed to have both my helpers with me.
Sure we could have stayed at the main gate until our helper returned but then we were told we couldn't loiter there either.
Can I just say I hate the zoo?
Whirlwind...
Current mood:
depressed In Loving Memory
..
Janel L. Ochoa-Borsch
1975 - 2008
1975 - 2008
"God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God hath promised strength for the day.
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love..."
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God hath promised strength for the day.
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love..."
- Author Unknown
~*~
~*~
The above is copied out of the notice I received today in cold horrible black and white confirmation of the earlier phone call that came in. All I can say is that my fever racked mind is numb. Is this real or just another fever induced nightmare??? That's how I have thought for the last 23 hours 20 minutes. But I guess with stone cold black and white that it's real.
It's funny that the music that came on was 1st Another one bitest the dust 2nd Cemetary Gates.
Janel and I had a very weird coincidence in common. that is the date of our entrance into hell as we knew it. Although the years are different. I still can't believe she's really gone. Another door is shut in my face again. Another notch added to my list of regrets. I just can't get my mind to accept what my heart new was coming on the last convesation we had...I'll carry that forever with me. It's a shame I'm not catholic cause a few thousand hail mary's might be soothing... No offense to those who are.
well back to my fever induced horror.... Please someone wake me with this is an April fools...
Current mood:
ashamed I have been on a whirlwind ride since my last post.I posted about Janel's death. Even shared her "memorial post"... What a sucker I am. What a complete and total fool.
It was all a lie. She didn't die. There is no Yvette, There was no baby. There was no marriage. Cancer once upon a time a long time ago...
I had talked to "Yvette" and even posted an update for her in a group that was being nasty about Janel's passing becuase of the lack of information. What a fool I was... Meanwhile, the sites where going down...
Some how or other the corner got involved. Some how or other this led to news going to a main spot for WAHM to see and then an amazing chaing of IM's emails and group posts going on. It would have been extremely smoky if smoke signals had been used. (OK I'm old).
Anyways, there were like 6 chat rooms filled to the max of people who finally learned the truth. That Janel was alive and this was all a scam... We have been in the process of pulling together files and information and bringing it all together to file reports with those local cops, NV cops, IC3.gov forms, etc.
One report is that over 15 k was taken in the form of donations money wise. Another report is roughly 300 k was taken in the form of donations, products, gift cards, etc.
I spoke to "an officer" but I'm not sure I trust what he told me. It just didn't seem to mesh up with my experience with "Good Cops" so will have to wait and see what happens.
As it stands at the moment I need to find the FBI office in Utah and see if I can get a hold of anyone there as our local field office was less than helpful. But as a freind pointed out. Children purn wasn't involved nor was any of the other exciting groups and now the unibomber is no more... What is there to turn a young FBI's heart to anything than the dull hum drums of shuffling paper and pushing pencils? She made a most excellent point. Although that's not how it is in other parts of the country.
To add to the whirlwind. Everyone here is out of sorts in the worst possible way.
1st we had a mystery virus that was pretty bad. I'm still not a 100% bounced back from it. Although thankfully the blisters are gone... 2nd the whole Janel thing is causing quite a scene here as some care to dig in the ol spurs on that one a little too deeply 3rd the normal schools out summer bs has started. How I wish we could have an enjoyable summer without fear of being caught by surprise by little children (ok not so little as they are now in the tween and teen years) who are being brought up with a zero tolerance policy for those who are disabled and different from themselves.With good friends for the kids to play with instead of no one. But that's another isssue. It's just been one huge whirlwind of a ride lately and none of it has been any fun.
How many days left before school can start again????
Tell Me we are an enlightened country...
Current mood:
enraged Tell me we are an enlightened country. Tell me that prejudice died out with the great movements of the 50s and 60s and before that.... Tell me Martin Luther King, Jr, Rosa Parks, and the many others (I can't think of their names at the moment) made a difference in this country. Tell me that with agencies like the ACLU and a more awareness of the wrongs and damage of prejudice and hate and disabilities that we as a society have matured and grown and have changed our stripes or spots.... Tell me it's not just all lip service. Tell me that we really truly have changed and want to change and are effective in chaning.
Tell me... But don't tell me what you think I want to hear... Tell me the truth. Are we enlightened? Are we changing for the better? Or are we just kidding ourselves and our neighbors? Are we capable to move to such lofty ideals? or is it just lip service because the ideals are too high? too lofty? Don't it mean anything in this day and age. Don't we remember and care about what others have gone through to get these lofty goals and ideas in place or has their fight been so long ago that we as a society as a whole have forgotten it as we have forgotten about the other parts of our history. About the suffering of others who helped to bring about enlightment?
Tell me that it's ok and that I am misreading or misunderstanding the incident that happened to Alex Barton. Tell me that we are so much improved that discrimination, hate, injustice, and that what Martin Luther King Jr spoke out against no longer happens here. Especially to a 5 year old little boy?
Yes, I know that Martin Luther King Jr had more to do with the african-american movement and not so much with the disabled movement but bear with me. See being who I am and having been discriminated against, harrassed, hated not for the color of my skin but because I have a disability... I look normal upon 1st glance so I have been accused of being deliberately deceptive. I have the rage flare up unexpectedly when my dirty secret came out. So, Martin Luther King Jr and Rosa Parks is where I got inspiration, hope, and courage from. For I saw it as being more than just an african-american thing but as a disability thing too. So yes, I'm guilty of my view being screwed.
I'll tell you what I have seen in my short time as if my earlier reference doesn't clue you in. I have seen that we do a lot of lip service and kid ourselves about how enlightened we are. Sure we allow disabled people out in public now. We have even stepped up to allow those who have autism out to mingle amoungst us. We no longer shuttle them off to institutions. We no longer use hushed voices like at a death bid vigil when their names come up in conversation. We no longer stick our fingers in our ears when autism (or other conditions) are discussed or at least that's what we pretend to do. We no longer cut the afflicted out of our family trees, forbid their names from being spoken, and hang out heads in shame. We no longer keep them burried as skeletons in our closet or do we?
I have seen the progress that has been boasted on. I have seen rules and regulations implemented. I have heard terms as main streaming, IDEA, FAPE bandied about by public schools, agencies, parent advocacy groups, etc. These are to help prevent discrimination and stop others from being hurt, left out, left behind, etc. I can tell you that they are encouraging to hear, see in print and read. But I can also tell you that in a lot of situations these are really empty words, broken promises, and ideals that are not going to happen.
There are lots of excuses mony is the 1 that I've run across. But really is it money? Or is it that money is the convenient cop out for covering our spots that haven't changed? I say this because if we have really really changed and are really truly enlighted would Alex Barton be in the news now? I don't think so.
Alex Barton isn't alone. He's not the only one who's had this happen to him. Why do I say such a bold statement? Because its true. Alex is just one of many. Do I know of more? Do I know of similar or the same situations. Yes, I do.
See my kids have also faced issues. My kids especially my daughter. She has deep long lasting emotional and mental scars. So deep that they still effect her and time hasn't erased or eased her pain. And that's with counseling throughout the situation and continuing on going. It's just that her wounds are that deep. It's been 3 years and a few months since the last incident... but to her it's just like yesterday. Her future has been altered because of incidents similar to what happened to Alex Barton. My son not only has faced similar issues because of his own disabilities but he also caught it for having a sister who's autistic. Oh yes, he got it for simply being a sibling to one who is autistic.
So now you have 3 children. 3 children who have been emotionally abused by those at public school. That is mind boggling to me. No this isn't a subject that is talked about. It's hushed up. We are lucky to know about Alex because he has the rare opportunity of having had media attention brought to his case. You don't hear about my kids because we weren't lucky enough to get media attention not for lack of trying either 
. How many kids have gone to school and been ridiculed by the adults that are their teachers? I'll give you another name. MINE. So now you have 4.
. How many kids have gone to school and been ridiculed by the adults that are their teachers? I'll give you another name. MINE. So now you have 4. Are we alone? Are we the only ones who have been singled out? Are we the only ones who are unlucky enough to be initiated into this sick club that we've been granted access to? I think NOT! I think it's there hidden beneath the surface over looked by a lot of fast talk, hushed into silence, pregnant pauses, averted eyes, and glossy reports. How many other children have had this happen to them? How many adults carry the scars from their childhood?
But what about those who are hushed up? or are frightened into silenece? Those unfortunate ones who think it's only happening to them. Think they don't exist? Let me enlighten you. I thought it was just us. In the last 3 years I have talked to over a dozen people who have told me that they too thought it was just them. That they were the only ones. Their stories are either worse than ours or only slightly better than ours. But they all have the same out come. Deep Long lasting mental/emotional scars.
Trust me they are out there. If you don't believe me then why is Alex in the news now? Because if this was a single isolated incident then he wouldn't be in the news and trust me in my belief that Alex and my children aren't alone. His incident happened in Florida. Ours in MT. That leaves 48 other states that are silent. Are they silent in shame or silent because they are truly enlightened? I don't know.
the point of all this is I'm outraged that my children and I aren't alone. Funny? Maybe but I had hoped and prayed that we as a society had moved to the enlightened stage of mind that we boast of. That we had risen to the challenge that Martin Luther King Jr talked about. Now there is once more proof that we aren't.
I hope and pray that Alex won't be as deeply injured as my daughter has been and that he will heal faster than she has. I pray that the attention brought on will cause us all to step back and reconsider what we are doing and teaching.
My goal in this to cause one to pause and think and get back on track. to enspire all of us to get enlightened and to bring it out all the time not just when it's politically correct to do so..
So tell me are we enlightened as we claim to be? I think not. I don't think that we are changing for the better. Alex Barton's story is the reason why.
Tuesday, May 27
Action Alert from The Autistic Self Advocacy Network...
Hello,
As some of you may already be aware from news articles and blog posts on the topic, last week a Morningside Elementary Kindergarten teacher had students "vote out" of the class a 5-year old autistic student named Alex Barton. According to the news article, the teacher had each of Alex's classmates, including his sole friend in the class, state publicly what they disliked about him and then announced that they would take a vote to remove him from the class. Alex has not been back to school since and has suffered significant emotional trauma as a result of this incident. Regardless of who you are or what your connection to the autistic and autism communities might be, I think we can all agree that this is unacceptable.
We need to band together to prevent future such abuses from occurring, to ensure that this teacher is properly disciplined and to encourage this school to adopt both a strong bullying prevention policy and training on respect for all forms of diversity aimed at both teachers and students. As such, we've provided contact information below for you to write to communicate your outrage. Please be polite yet firm in your comments, pointing out the unacceptability of such actions when aimed at any student, as well as the need for this school to adopt policies to prevent this from happening in the future. This is an opportunity to drive home the message that we will not stand by while one of our own is abused. We ask that you please cc: info@autisticadvocacy.org in your e-mails to the school district so we can keep track of the strength and sources of this response. Remember: abusive messages hurt our cause - please be respectful in your comments.
Contact info:
Morningside Elementary School Principal:
Mrs. Marcia Cully
cullym@stlucie.k12.fl.us
(772) 337-6730
St. Lucie County Schools Superintendent:
Michael J. Lannon
4204 Okeechobee Road
Ft. Pierce, FL 34947-5414
Phone: 772/429-3925
FAX: 772/429-3916
e-mail: lannonm@stlucie.k12.fl.us
St. Lucie County School Board Chair:
Carol Hilson
772-519-0397
HilsonC@stlucie.k12.fl.us
Vice Chair:
Judith Miller
772-528-4545
MillerJ@stlucie.k12.fl.us
[Thanks to Paula C. Durbin-Westby for compiling this contact information and for members of the autistic and autism communities who have supported this effort.]
Regards,
Ari Ne'eman, President,
The Autistic Self Advocacy Network
1101 15th Street, NW Suite 1212
Washington, DC 20005
http://www.autisticadvocacy.org
732.763.5530
_____________________
Distributed to APRIL members at the request of Tink Miller tmiller@pirs.org , by:
Diana Spas, Information Coordinator
RTC: Rural: The Research and Training Center on Disability in Rural Communities
The University of Montana Rural Institute
52 Corbin Hall, Missoula, MT 59812-7056
(888) 268-2743 (RTC office)
(406) 243-5760 (my office) (406) 243-2349 fax
dspas@ruralinstitute.umt.edu
http://rtc.ruralinstitute.umt.edu (RTC: Rural)
http://mtdh.ruralinstitute.umt.edu (Montana Disability and Health Program)
Who Knew...?
Who knew that jewelry making could be so much fun?
Who'd of thought that I could do it?
Who'd of thought I could do it and have it actually turn out?
Sure the heck wasn't lil' ol' me.
I had tried beading a time or two as a kid. One word sums it up best. DISASTER!!
That is the word that was used repeatedly by my mother. How did beading go today? It was a Disaster. How did she do this time? It was a Disaster. I don't want to ever take you back cause you turn everything into a DISASTER!!!!
Yep, that's right. That's what I heard repeatedly during a 3 week stint of a trial Beading Class. We were to make these really pretty beaded Angel ornaments for Camp Fire. Instead... I made something that resembled more of a tulip*. Instead I got 3 weeks of the standard comments of "your lazy", "you don't pay attention", "you don't try enough", "your a Disaster", "your a horrible child", etc. etc...
Is it any wonder that I never felt like I could do it?
Meanwhile, my mother got to be good friends with the beading teacher. She saw my mother sitting there waiting and how she seemed both miserable at the dull time of waiting for me to get done and also left out. So the teacher showed her how to work some beads to make doilys to kill the time of waiting for me.
My mother was a natural. She caught the concept of the pattern easily. It wasn't very long at all, that she really took off flying with it. Soon she was creating various sizes and patterns. In fact for one Christmas that was what everyone got along with their regular gift. Some beaded doily or set of beaded doilys.
In the evening after supper, she would get out her beads and bead. I would always find some excuse to be near her workspace and watch her. Depending on her mood I would either be allowed to sit near her or be sent scurrying off with different items, packages of beads more often than not or else something small and handy and just as effective, chucked at my head or chased off by her with a wooden spoon in one hand.
Sometimes when I was allowed to remain she would talk to me usually it was to rub in further what a heart breaker I was to her. She would often list my many faults especially if my step-dad (then) was in the room or in hearing range. Othertimes, she would be nicer and she would talk to me about what she was doing and who she was making it for. On extremely rare occassions she would ask my opinion or help in picking out the color combos for the next project.
She never offered to let me learn from her. Nor did she encourage me to attempt another beading project after the trial period was up. She also really disliked anyone attempting to suggest that she should teach me or that another project should be tried by me.
So I stopped thinking about it. The pain was just too great. But don't get me wrong. That wasn't my only attempt to learn how to bead.
I had a friend who was Native American. Her mom, aunts, sisters, dad, brothers, and numerous other family relations all beaded. They beaded earrings, they beaded moccasins, they beaded amulets, they beaded dresses. They did simple beading like what I am now learning to do. They did complex picture beading that helped to tell stories and where used in their family traditions and ceremonies. They used a loom to do some beading projects. They also did it for competition, honor and to strengthen the bond in the family.
I always admired their beading projects. I once rudely wished for a pair of earrings. I was so surprised, and very, very happy when I got a pair of earrings for my birthday from my friend. I think I thanked them about a zillion + times for several weeks. lol
That lead in the elder aunt suggesting that they try to teach me a basic design. Nothing sacred, nothing complicated, just two basic colors repeated on a thread. I could if mastered make a simple necklace or loop earrings.
It went pretty well. There wasn't much I could screw up in the work I did. After all I had to do was string the beads x amount of one color then y amount of another onto a single thread to form a chain of beads. Since I could easily do this with macarroni, it wasn't too bad for me to do. Although I will admit that it took a long time to get those itty bitty seed beads to get on my needle and thread without scattering every where or coming off. These solid lines of colors where used to make dangle earrings. The kind that have just loops but several loops on a wire...
So then they moved me on to a bit more complicated piece. Same two colors, similar pattern but with more than a single solid straight line. There were 4 rows and some sewing involved. I was excited to be able to move up to a level that the youngest 4 year old was doing. I felt pretty good about that project when it was done, too. Granted it wasn't flat and smooth like thiers but it was accepted since I was a novice and not born to beading like the family members where. I just needed a lot more practice they said.
So then came the next disaster. My mother was wondering where my money was going as she wasn't finding things around the house like candy wrappers, craft supplies, tapes, etc. She had heard I wasn't going to the candy stop any more nor was I going to the ice cream shoppe. She followed me and caught me going to the bead place with the elder aunt. She got suspicious. So, she decided that my next playdate she had to come along, much to my horror.
I was going to start a new project. Under her watchful eye and polite conversation I knew that I had to prepare for a major outbreaking of her wrath when we returned home. Knowing that something dreadful was going to happen but not knowing what... I started to sweat. I had pieces of my heart chipped away as I listened to the conversations with my mother flow around me. Her utter dismay and accusations about my work chipped away at my center. Instead of being focused, I was scattered. Instead of feeling competent, I felt like an idiot. I messed up very badly in the end. I again,had created yet another disaster.
When I got home I paid a heavy price for my deception. By the time I got back ties with my friend had been completely and irrepairably severed. I gave up on beading anything. At last the lesson had been beat into my thick skull, although a small part of me longed for another chance.
We moved. I got a job cleaning greenware for a local ceramics maker. One day in helping her straight up the room I came across a box of beading things. We struck up a conversation about beading. She didn't seem to be too horrible about it. At the very least she was very different than my parents. After work, I went home and dug out the instructions for those angels I had once upon a time tried to make. It took me several weeks to drag up the courage to give her the instructions.
When I finally did. She took them and read then through and then laughed out loud. I felt all my spirit drain away. I steeled myself for another lecture about failure. Turned out that she knew why I had failed. She said that it wasn't my fault and that anyone working my instructions that actually knew a bit about beading would have figured out why I kept failing. Both the instructions and the kit I was given had errors in them. My kit was missing two very crucial pieces that should have been clearly caught right off the bat or at least after I completed step 2 because up to that point both patterns where the same. Had I had the center body piece, I could have copied the others and completed a different angel. Instead, I made tulips because that's what my instructions from step 3 on where for. No one had ever considered that the instructions might be faulty nor did any one consider that the kit might not be for something else. With this knowledge a little spark came to life.
Part One....
What's the definition of insanity again?
Current mood:
vexed The terms psych, pdoc, shrink are all going to be referring to psychiatric stuff, like doctors, offices, etc.
We got word that K's pdoc is closing his practice. So the scramble to find a new pdoc is on. Now I'm dealing with a lot of people who just DO NOT get it. To them it's simply a matter of calling a shrinks office and scheduling an appointment...
For us it's a bloody 3 ring circus. ring 1 is finding a doctor who's willing to accept K as a patient and has openings... ring 2 is finding them willing to accept her but also willing to take the medical coverage we have cough*Medicaid*cough and to be approved for services ring 3 is documenting that I'm not guilty of bad parenting, psycho, nor have Münchhausen's by Proxy (MBP).
So far out of the list of places I can go to: I can rule out the Mental Health Center (MHC), One psych practice (HP), and 1 to 2 other psych practices (D or SV). I've got calls into places... Now it's just wait and see what comes up.
I can rule out the MHC because they have very high turn over and a new "flavor" of the ____ (day, month, week, quarter) not good for someone with trust issues. 2nd I can rule them out because they don't want to keep her on the program that has worked so well with her so far. And one thing I have learned about autism is if it's not broke don't mess with it. and the final reason for not dealing with them is they want to change her meds to things that are more politically correct. Yes, I know there is a lawsuit going on about the med my child is taking. No that doesn't make me a bad parent it makes me a freaked out parent who's more terrified of what will happen without said med than what will happen with it. Hence, why the requested blood draws to check blood sugars with crossed fingers.
I can rule out the one psych practice HP because they are heavy with an agency here that we were involved with once upon a time. That agency was very heavy into not advocating well for us. Or as the one doc put it they were really good at sabotaging our efforts for her to get a descent program in place for her so it was clear in their eyes that the agency wanted us to fail so they could swoop in and save her from us and get more funding for their program which would be worse for K than what she was in. Sadly since ending with the agency I've heard this from numerous other sources that this is in fact how they have operated with others on more than one occasion. So not going to fall back into that pit again. Besides they are very pro getting her off what is working now and on to something more politically correct based on it being politically correct. Who needs that?
I can rule out D simply because we had been with them and we had been asked to remove ourselves from their program. Why? Because of my mother having words with a nurse. My mother got rather verbal with a nurse and that caused the nurse to remember who I was from a dark dark chapter in my past. Since she remembered who I was; she also remembered a scene that happened with her friend and me. Again this was a very bad thing that happened and to this day HASN'T BEEN REPEATED. And wouldn't have happened had her friend not decided that she knew better than me as to what I was to do. She actually yelled at me that she knew who I had been talking to and what their instructions where. It's a long horrible story and to put it short and sweet. I had called and talked to my pdoc and counselor who advised me to get to the pdocs office NOW!!!
Because I was having an issue with my medication and some PTSD. The gal tried to stop me from following my pdoc's orders and repeatedly claimed that she was right and I was wrong. Even after both my pdoc and my counselor agreed that if I hadn't been chased down, threatened, told that I didn't know what was happening, and exposed it probably wouldn't have happened. It also was a clear indication that my meds needed to be changed. And since going off the meds a repeat incident hasn't happened. However, it has cost me getting neurological care for the last 15+ years, it has cost me getting psych care for my children for the past 11 years. And what really makes me frustrated is the fact that we can lose said care and be kicked out of a practice based on one nurse's friends incident. NOTHING had ever been said or done towards this nurse that could be put in the same league as her friend. Yes, we asked questions, Yes we demanded answers Yes, we argued about the orders and getting a diagnosis but we didn't shriek, hit, punch, chase, corner nor rip clothes off to get them. And the worst of it is we had a good working history for several months with no indication of a problem until her memory was jogged and we were dropped all in the space of 10 minutes of time. She interrupted our session told the pdoc her sudden revelation and he came in and instead of giving us help told us to get out of his office and out of the practice. To this day they pdocs at this place refuse to deal with us based on the fear for safety of this 1 person based solely on what happened to her friend. (BTW, I never was charged for anything)
The other practice I have a call into SV. The only reason I have a call into them is that K's counselor placed the call to refer her to them again. I got the call back from SV's office but wasn't able to take or return the call until today. It will depend totally on what the practice decides as to if we will or won't be allowed to go there. The poor gal who took the call was surprised to learn why we left. She said that one of the temp secretaries had told her the same version I told her but that she had heard from another more respected person that it wasn't true. She has her doubts about us being seen. She even dared to ask why we would even want to attempt to come back there. And honestly I said I didn't think we had a chance to get help from them but with no pdoc we had to try. However, their is a new pdoc fresh from school coming in Aug./Sept. that she might see about us getting into. I will have to bring in letters of recommendation stating that I don't have MBP and that I haven't had a repeat of the episode that involved me losing control again in the last 20 years.
Now the reason that there is an issue here is 2 fold. Problem 1 is that the pdoc we saw used the word and phrase combos of autism, autism like, high functioning autism and atypical autism numerous times. There was an advocate from an agency with us at the appointment she counted 37 uses of the word autism, 17 uses of the phrase atypical autism, and several other combos numerous times. But she refused to come right out and dx K with autism. Now in getting a copy of K's medical file from them... There was a statement that this pdoc had diagnosed K with autism but to this day this pdoc denies it. The other part of the problem is we had a schedule issue. K flipped out and refused to go inside. I couldn't physically make her and she was in such a rage that I needed help so I went inside to get help and was told that no one in the office could come help us. Now ironically this was why we were sent to see this pdoc in the 1st place. Yeah we were late for our appointment because we couldn't get K off the post, through the door or out of the elevator. but we were also there for our appointment all the pdoc had to do was come out of her room and assist with talking K down. Again we were kicked out of the office and safety was mentioned as a concern. So this is why it could be decided that we won't even get to see the new doctor.
I do have calls into 2 other pdocs... But not sure if it will work for us to get in there.
The good news is the ped. has decided that he can write the notes for home school, gfcf diet, inositol, melatonin, filtered water, and Epsom salt baths. That's a huge thing. He won't do the meds since they are out of his league.
The other possibility is to see an OB nurse thingy...I know I'm horrible. I don't know how you describe those who want to be doctors (have intense god complexes) but won't go back to true medical school to become a doctor...We have the chance to take K to see one for her psych meds. I'm a little concerned about a non-pdoc writing scripts and being comfortable prescribing major big gun type psych meds when most regular docs wont, kwim? There will be no problem with her giving you meds for this even when most won't because of the lawsuit... I agree that K will need this type of nurse wanna be doctor eventually but I'm not sure now... And just how bad is it going to be when I say I don't want the new HPV vaccine because I don't want to risk another vaccine reaction??? Besides the pdoc, pediatrician, naturopathic doc all feel this isn't necessary at this time because she's least likely to need it based on where she goes to school. and how she's not alone on her own at all. I guess we will find out on Tuesday...
Now for E... He went in for a review about the PTSD. It will go before a committee and he'll get the results in 2 to 3 weeks. All I can say is that I wish the committee could have spent time with him leading up to his review and after his review on the way home... It might have just left the impression that he still needs help and that he's not getting the help he needs as it stands. I thought that we were going to die at least twice and that's the bare minimum of times it crossed my mind. It reminded me of a remark that a relative used to make about Catholics. he always claimed to admire them because they always had something to do in the event of a crisis or waiting for a crisis to hit (meaning foxhole in WWI & WWII) cause they would do the rosary. This is not to offend or belittle Catholics just noting an observation that was told me. I seriously wished I had something similiar to do that would have taken my mind off of the close calls. ;)
The other thing that this week has done is caused me to seek out people for statements that I don't have MBP. Relocating sounds like sooo much fun... Just don't have a clue as to where I should even consider going....
Guess I'll just consider jewelry class in a few minutes... lol
and yes, I'm reliving my days of freedom
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