Eye Doctor:

Eye Doctor:

Small update. As you know I had an eye doctor visit with a retinal specialist. It was a very interesting event. It's left me with a lot of stuff to try and process. There is good and there is bad and then there is unknown.

I've got a lot of information to try to process and understand. I got answers that are so vague because of fear of lawsuit that I don't know how to explain them. Plus some really big words involving macular, visceral trauma, sheering, brain trauma, and some other things... I really feel like I'm at least on a slow part of the roller coaster ride that we've been on since the accident. If I was at the top of my game I may better be able to process it but I'll be honest I'm not at the top of my game any more and I may not get there. I'm emotionally raw and numb so this could be the wrong thing to share. I'm also in deep stunned disbelief too.

I don't have a retina tear of any shape. I should but I don't. I don't have any hard core evidence in the form of damage that requires surgery. But I also don't have what I should have for the damage and drastic sudden nasty change in my vision. Technically the fall out shows significant trauma but there's not retinal injury or if there was it's healed miraculously and spontaneously. I do have things "floaters" for lack of a better term. The swelling appears down or wasn't there. But the vision that should be there is gone. There's a big math formula that is needed to be gone through in order to figure out how much vision I've really lost. Not having the time for her to do the math really, really bothered her and she didn't want to give me a number. However, seeing that I needed something to wrap my mind around and to help my aunt, kids, etc. To process she said that if 0 is absolutely no vision and 100 is perfect vision then I've lost something like 30% of my vision but have 70% of my vision. Ramifications on this type of loss is that if I lived in certain states and 100% if I was a trucker I would have my drivers license revoked. Since I'm just a mom and living here, chances are nil that I will lose my license but I should restrict driving to emergencies if I drive at all. Especially until I get used to the loss and no more night driving and no driving until I get a full neurological work up. (This explains why there are so many MVA's here with the elderly.)

She was furious that I hadn't gotten a cat scan nor an appointment with a neurosurgeon; let alone all the roadblocks just getting to her. That did lead to her referring me to see a neurologist. (Yeah right. *rolling eyes*) And yes, If I had gotten into her right away within 48 hours of the accident or if I'd gone straight to my eye doctor within 48 hours of the accident and not waited... Well no since crying over what might have been. Which could just be the shock talking cause she said I looked like I was suffering from shock.

I will see a neurologist soon. I say yeah right because I will literally be going into the very neurological partnership that kicked me out several years ago because I didn't follow the top neurologist's predictions to a T so they kicked me out. That's been a long time ago and I still haven't followed his predictions yet.

How? Well for starters I'm still not dead and I should have been 15 years ago at the latest, 2) I'm still walking around for the most part although I use more assistance in doing so and yet oddly less than was predicted I'd need by now or more depending on how you look at it. (less cause I'm not nursing home confined in a bed more because I'm also not 6 feet under). 3) I'm not in a nursing home but still home with what's left of my family. Those are big reasons that I've not been able to get into neurologist in the past 10 years...

There is also the part like the cruddy care me dd is getting from this dept too. And that they really don't like me. So we'll see if I really get in or not or if I get the help I need or if I'm passed off to continue waiting. I have an appointment to see my primary care doc on Friday... Theres a lot of unknown from this still and major decisions to make that I'm just not up to it right now.

Please understand that I'm emotionally wrung out and beyond the point of being able to reason things. My head hurts too bad, my blank spots are there and I'm getting angry because I can't communicate as well as I once did verbally, I can't explain myself or give the answers people depend on me being able to do, I'm tired of being accused of putting on an act when I look blankly at the clerk and have to ask her how to spell the numbers in order to write the check, or what date it is a 20 times or I have to do that stupid Lowe's commercial with charades because the gal can't tell the employee what she wants until she imitates it and the worker guesses and takes her to it and is 100% accurate. I don't have something I can write with or draw or point to then I'm really embarrassed and it makes it worse to. And the more I force myself to think the worse the pain in my head becomes. And I'm finally breaking down and feeling everything because the fog is lifting and that makes it more scary.

It's like the stroke all over again only without the benefit of the rubber stamp of approval from the ER doc. I've been so stressed out the last few days about the $$'s, not being able to find the paperwork I needed that I was in process of pulling together before the accident, the picture person and knowing her oldest really needs CPS help and it won't happen (strongly dislike having my hands tied here), not being able to do what I need to do when I need to do it cause of the blanks, and then the major PTSD episode yesterday and today that I just feel like I'm about to snap and not come back. I've been trying to figure out how to get relief without doing something dangerous (taking enough Tylenol for pain relief automatically makes one suicidal which is dangerous) and not make them think I am copying my mother because I hurt so bad with this headache that it wakes me up at night and being worried that I'm going to die from a brain bleed because of the head pain and symptoms doesn't help me to sleep, either. Then there is the back pain from the accident, the numbness, and sick kids. Forgive me.

I have 70% sight still, so I had hoped to be older and because of the CMT for losing driving privileges that's a tough thing to swallow but it's not like I never saw the day coming, I've not died yet, I'm getting into a neurologist, My head hasn't fallen off, I've got people praying for me around the world, 2 beautiful kids, and a dog that is my shadow, food, and a place to live in for this month and next at least. I shouldn't lose sight of the fact that recently others lost their lives just because they went to work or shopping or to church which is way worse than what I'm going through.