Mother's Day

Mother’s Day
Current mood: ashamed

Mother's Day is here again...

To all my friends who happen to be mom's also...

May you treasure the moments and memories that come with the gift of motherhood!

I wish you all a very Happy Mother's Day!

To me this is a day that I tend to take time out and remember those women who have passed on that had a significant role in my life. Those who "mothered" me or "adopted me as a grandchild", those who looked beyond the color of my skin, my pedigree & blood lines, who looked to see the real me. As one would often say I was her diamond in the rough.

It used to mean making cards and finding the right item and then later phone calls and Hallmark greeting cards... Now it's filled with remembering them and for a few of them... regrets that I didn't take seriously the time we had, the lessons lost... and yet being thankful for all that these women did for me and hoping that I will be able to make them proud of me someday... some how... I worry that I won't ever be able to do this.

I also took this day to hide away from those who are very opinionated (T as an example) and the one who chose today to be a day of attention seeking and so she can get patted on their little heads for a job well done (mil)... Why she won't take a hint and leave us alone is beyond me...

today was spent with lots of crying... My daughter was terrified that a certain visitor would stop by and she'd have to interact with her. My son was crying because his dad wasn't following through on his promise to take them out so they could take me out.... to end the crying my aunt took them to the park... which was a really good thing to do cause the one who was feared did stop by...

Thankfully I was busy in a phone call so I had an excuse not to hear the ringing of the door bell and banging on the door. I just didn't feel like listening to the usual self important ramblings that go along with the visit from her. I just didn't want to be told yet again that I am not a good enough wife, dil, let alone mother...

I didn't want to have to hear from their dad how wrong I am in all I do feel and think.

I took time out to clean my house in peace, to work on my website with the new business links under Gifts... and to get traffic to the sites...

This is one of those holidays... that I struggle with to understand how I'm suppose to be... Cause I don't think hiding cowaring in a corner is the right thing to do any more especially now that I'm a mom... Yes, after the phone calls and card sending out was done... Somewhere before dinner... the duck and cover would need to be enacted... and usually after dinner too... with the annual reminder of how I messed up her life as the way to say off to bed...

I struggle with understanding that what is seen on tv and blasted around isn't my lot. My kids don't get Mother's Day and they never will. This used to make me sad but it don't any more... I guess because I'm still so confused about what is supposed to be done. I try really really hard not to follow the script of my childhood. I try not to shriek and I try not to yell. But beyond that I'm really lost...

Am I foolish to hope that for me it's treated like a normal day? That it can be spent like any other Sunday would be... No going out, no dinners, no having to be any where so I don't have to try to figure out what script I'm to follow...

As it stands it's just another day of tears and strong emotions as the kids live in panic and terror that they will have a visit from someone they'd perfer not to see. Ah, at least that is a script I can follow. lol send them off to the park with connie...they get the outside time they crave, they get to see something different and they don't have to worry about running into to the one they want to avoid for the most part. Hope their dad sleeps for a long time and gives up...so it can just a day that i can spend quietly in sorrow for those that have gone on, and regret that I didn't pay closer attention to them.

If I am lucky... I can drop the mask of the mom I am for awhile. I can allow the agony I feel to shine through. I can be thankful for the autism and the alphabet soup dx's cause then maybe I won't screw them up so horribly in the long run. I can allow myself the moments of fear, doubt, resentment, tears over the legacy I am leaving behind. I don't know what to do to change it. I just don't have a clue and that is so frustrating.

Instead I count the hours down... Hoping and praying that it won't be too horrible a day... that it won't be noticed for very long... and that I can sink back into sweet oblivion of just another day in my life.